Kev's Musings

My Pppppppoker Face

2010-03-18T23:51:00.002-04:00

Well, that's the last time I take advice from Lady GaGa!

President's Day /Valentines Day overlap

2010-02-12T18:04:00.001-05:00

Since Valentines Day it coincides with Presidents Day, does that mean it's appropriate to take my Valentine for hot dogs?

Tooter

2010-02-09T09:46:00.000-05:00

From SNL - Ashton Kutcher is taking social media technology to the next level.

Another great commercial

2010-02-07T14:00:00.001-05:00

Got to give it to the folks at Samsung - this cracked me up.

New perspective

2010-02-06T11:36:00.000-05:00

When you're single, and you wake up in the morning to find a bra on the floor, you think to yourself "awwww yeah!"

When your girlfriend lives with you, and you wake up in the morning to find a bra on the floor, you think to yourself, "god she's messy. Why couldn't she just put that away?"

Awesome conversation with my trainer this morning

2010-02-05T11:23:00.002-05:00

Best conversation this morning when I told my trainer where my office is located.

Trainer: I used to work as a bouncer a block from there.
Kev: Oh yeah?
Trainer: Yeah. Isn't there a strip club on the corner?
Kev: I think so.
Trainer: The one with little blue lights around the stage.
Kev: I haven't been inside.
Trainer: Me neither.

The second worst five words you can hear in a relationship

2010-01-27T23:19:00.002-05:00

Its well documented that the worst five words you can hear in a relationship are "listen, we need to talk"

Only slightly lesser known are the second five worst words you can hear in a relationship: "an all new Project Runway"

State of the union

2010-01-27T22:23:00.002-05:00

HD TV coverage of the State of the Union confirmed to me that Congress is NOT a beauty contest.

The new Apple iPad

2010-01-27T15:15:00.002-05:00

Today Apple announce their new iPad. It comes in three models 16gb, 32gb and 64 gb (for those heavy flow days)

Why I want to hang with the Muppets

2010-01-06T15:43:00.002-05:00

Awesome video from behind the scenes on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

Apparently during rehearsal for a Christmas performance with the Muppets, there was a lot of down-time while the crew adjusted cameras and lighting. And this just happened...

The hand lotion double standard

2010-01-06T10:04:00.001-05:00

Why is it when a girl moves in with you, it's appropriate to have hand lotion in the bathroom, but when you're a guy living alone, everyone thinks you're a pervert?

Swine flu

2010-01-05T21:27:00.001-05:00

I'm pretty sure Swine Flu was invented as a means to sell hand sanitizer.

The Taco Bell diet

2010-01-05T15:02:00.001-05:00

Why don't people get the commercials for the Taco Bell diet? Eating all tacos you'd shed the pounds through massive diarrhea.

Tiger woods DVD

2009-12-17T15:03:00.000-05:00

I'm so pissed off. I paid $25 bucks for a DVD called "Tiger Woods - my favorite 18 holes" - and the thing turns out to be about golf.

How much is that diamond in the window?

2009-12-15T15:05:00.000-05:00

Best question/quote of the day I've been asked: "an engagement ring is supposed to cost 2 months salary. Is that pretax or post?"

Kev's wisdom #232

2009-06-25T22:19:00.001-04:00

When traveling home from a foreign country, the best way to get rid of your remaining currency is at the airport bar.

Swine flu

2009-04-29T17:13:00.001-04:00

I've dated a few pigs in my day - am I at greater risk of getting swine flu?

The biggest loser

2009-04-08T23:37:00.001-04:00

Watching this show makes me feel like the biggest loser.

Realisation

2009-03-17T08:10:00.001-04:00

Following an "extremely casual" touch football team in New York from Australia may be one step sadder than being addicted to fantasy sports. Even if you are the founder of the team.

Another helpful little tip

2009-03-08T20:07:00.001-04:00

To the guys out there.

When you walk into a bar, go directly to the Juke box and put on Beyonce's Single Ladies. When it gets to the line "all the single ladies... now put your hands up" they always do.

Save yourself some time.

You're welcome.

Gimme five

2009-03-02T21:30:00.001-05:00

My life and times...

2009-02-16T21:49:00.006-05:00

I've decided to start writing my biography, which I'm scared may be called, "But Why is the Rum Gone? One Man's Mission to Drink all the Alcohol in Sydney: The Kevin Silverman Story."

I started writing it the other night over a few drinks with friends on the back of three cocktail napkins. In the morning, one was missing, one was smeared with beer having been used as a coaster, and I'm not sure the third was in English.

That said, the next morning I found part of my autobiography in black marker, on my forehead, in reverse.

Double blind date

2009-02-11T06:04:00.004-05:00

I've coined a new phase: double blind date. Like double blind experiments, where neither the doctor or the patient know what the patient is being given, a double blind date is when neither you, nor the person fixing you up has met your date.

Sounds like double the chance she won't even have a great personality.

Related post: semi-blind kind of date

Even more signs of the guy phase

2009-02-09T06:33:00.001-05:00

Another sign you're still in your guy phase -- you go to the supermarket, at 10.30 at night, to buy detergent (for that night), chicken breast (for dinner the next day) and a 4 pack of Red Bull (for that weekend).

Illinois gives Rod the boot

2009-01-29T19:05:00.004-05:00

Maybe I've been spending too much time focusing on Australian politics, but I can't understand why the Illinois Senate impeached Governor Rod Blagojevich. It seems to me that he did a fine job respecting and continuing the state's long and distinguished reputation for corruption.

You reckon?

2009-01-27T23:49:00.001-05:00

Why is it when Aussies say "you reckon" they sound folksy, but when I say it it sounds like I just stepped out of a trailer park?

How tequila works

2009-01-22T17:11:00.002-05:00

Two great Aussie commercials

2009-01-15T08:05:00.002-05:00

Two brilliant commercials (one geared towards women, the other towards men) for an Australian dating site.

More musings via Twitter

2009-01-12T15:24:00.001-05:00

Want more musings more regularly? Add "Kev's Musings" on Twitter for brief updates. Longer musings will still be available here.

Strip clubs in Sydney

2009-01-12T07:44:00.002-05:00

My flat here in Sydney is next to the red light district, which I need to walk through each day to get to and from the train. Some of the clubs have names like "World's Greatest Love Machine" or "The Pleasure Chest" but one is just simply called "Strippers."

I like that - these guys don't beat around the bush, so to speak.

The endorsement that may change the election

2008-10-25T07:46:00.000-04:00

Kev's rules for guys #327

2008-10-06T00:01:00.002-04:00

Don't use the urinal when wearing flip flops.

Just trust me on this one.

What's the etiquette?

2008-10-04T22:20:00.004-04:00

While I've argued before that sites like Facebook and MySpace are making dating more difficult (such as when one person changed their status to "in a relationship" before they've had "the conversation"), it is also starting to affect friends of people in said relationship.

For example, a long-time friend was dating this girl for a couple of years, so naturally, we became Facebook Friends (which is like a whole new level of friendship that says "I accept that we get along even though we'll never hang out alone"). Now that they've broken up, should I de-friend her?

And what about ex's -- do you defriend them too? What about if you become actual friends again down the road, do you re-add?

And what about if your friend hasn't de-friended his ex? Do you? What if he has?

These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Five friends vote

2008-10-04T01:09:00.002-04:00

Nice video encouraging you to vote. Jonah Hill totally makes this work, although Sarah Silverman isn't bad either

The thin line

2008-09-26T21:16:00.004-04:00

I'm pretty sure last night I blurred the line between going home and going to sleep and taking a brief nap between nighttime and daytime activities.

Makes it slightly more difficult since my first daytime activity is going to workout.

Tax deductions

2008-09-23T21:43:00.005-04:00

When you need a uniform to do you job, you are able to claim the associated costs as a tax deduction.

If you need to constantly drink to do your job, can you expense the associated bar and liquor store charges?

Why?

2008-09-18T03:19:00.004-04:00

Why is it that every morning when getting off the train I get stuck behind the jackass who can't seem to figure out how the train ticket works?

Somehow it seems to be a different jackass each morning.

The economy

2008-09-16T03:19:00.000-04:00

I'm slightly afraid that this could be the future results of our present economy.

Little Gordon part 3

2008-09-13T20:48:00.002-04:00

Caterer.com just unveiled a third "Little Gordon" commercial. Not as hysterical as parts 1 and 2, but still worth a watch.

Little Gordon

2008-09-01T07:54:00.003-04:00

I have to admit, I have a little addiction to Kitchen Confidential (not quite Chipotle bad, but bad enough that I'll watch four episodes back-to-back on the Qantas in-flight entertainment... or a Saturday afternoon, for that matter). So when I saw these videos, I nearly lost it.

these videos are f*cking brilliant.

So, as Gordon would say, what are you f*cking doing? Grow some balls, and f*cking watch them already.

Little Gordon 1:

Little Gordon 2:

New words for 2008

2008-08-24T22:17:00.001-04:00

Thought these were worth sharing

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!"

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person.

TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

Sex and the Olympics

2008-08-18T08:46:00.002-04:00

During dinner tonight with my friend Martha, we came to the conclusion that sex is not unlike the uneven bars event at the Olympics.

You start on the high bar, a few twists, a few turns, and then you move on down to the low bar. Once you've spent enough time down there, you give it one last flip and then dismount (hopefully to thunderous applause).

And if you're really lucky, the French judge gives you a score higher than an 6.4.

A word to the wise

2008-06-27T00:57:00.001-04:00

Stay away from the salt and vinegar potato chips on the day you have a cut on your lip. Just trust me on this one.

Walk of shame follow up

2008-05-25T05:16:00.000-04:00

I thought this might be a nice complement to the Amp commercial I posted a couple weeks ago.

Bad with names? Come to Australia

2008-05-13T09:22:00.000-04:00

Australia is the only place I've been to where you can call a guy "mate" and a girl "love" instead of using their name. It's brilliant for those of us who are better with faces than we are with names.

A- wait for it -mazing

2008-05-12T02:23:00.001-04:00

May be the best, guy focused commercial I've seen since mighty wingman.

Only in Australia

2008-04-25T20:48:00.003-04:00

Only in Australia will your neighbors call you at 5:30 AM to see if loud noises in the hall are coming from your apartment, and when you confirm they aren't, invite you over for a beer, "since you seem to be awake anyway."

Cookie Monster searches deep within himself and asks: is me really monster?

2008-04-21T21:26:00.003-04:00

Originally from McSweeney's Internet Tendency
By Andy F. Bryan

Me know. Me have problem.

Me love cookies. Me tend to get out of control when me see cookies. Me know it not natural to react so strongly to cookies, but me have weakness. Me know me do wrong. Me know it isn't normal. Me see disapproving looks. Me see stares. Me hurt inside.

When me get back to apartment, after cookie binge, me can't stand looking in mirror—fur matted with chocolate-chip smears and infested with crumbs. Me try but me never able to wash all of them out. Me don't think me is monster. Me just furry blue person who love cookies too much. Me no ask for it. Me just born that way.

Me was thinking and me just don't get it. Why is me a monster? No one else called monster on Sesame Street. Well, no one who isn't really monster. Two-Headed Monster have two heads, so he real monster. Herry Monster strong and look angry, so he probably real monster, too. But is me really monster?

Me thinks me have serious problem. Me thinks me addicted. But since when it acceptable to call addict monster? It affliction. It disease. It burden. But does it make me monster?

How can they be so callous? Me know there something wrong with me, but who in Sesame Street doesn't suffer from mental disease or psychological disorder? They don't call the vampire with math fetish monster, and me pretty sure he undead and drinks blood. No one calls Grover monster, despite frequent delusional episodes and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. And the obnoxious red Grover—oh, what his name?—Elmo! Yes, Elmo live all day in imaginary world and no one call him monster. No, they think he cute. And Big Bird! Don't get me started on Big Bird! He unnaturally gigantic talking canary! How is that not monster? Snuffleupagus not supposed to exist—woolly mammoths extinct. His very existence monstrous. Me least like monster. Me maybe have unhealthy obsession, but me no monster.

No. Me wrong. Me too hard on self. Me no have unhealthy obsession. Me love cookies, but it no hurt anyone. Me just enthusiast. Everyone has something they like most, something they get excited about. Why not me? Me perfectly normal. Me like cookies. So what? Cookies delicious. Cookies do not make one monster. Everyone loves cookies.

Me no monster. Me OK guy. Me OK guy who eat cookies.

Who me kidding? Me know me never actually eat cookies. Me only crumble cookies in mouth, but me no swallow. Me can't swallow. Me no have no esophagus. Me no have no trachea. Me only have black fabric throat. Me not supposed to be able to even talk.

Me no eat cookies.

Me destroy cookies.

Me crush cookies.

Me mutilate cookies.

Me make it so no one get cookies.

Everyone right. Me really is cookie monster.

I'm back

2008-04-12T03:15:00.002-04:00

Now that I have internet at home again, I hope to post more often. In the meanwhile, here's the new motivational poster I just ordered for my office.

What's the over/under on if I get fired?

Taking advantage of a 16 hour time difference

2008-03-17T21:33:00.004-04:00

The beauty of being a day ahead of your friends is that you can realize that you missed someone's birthday (or Valentines Day/anniversary/Christmas) but still reach them on the right day in their timezone.

It's like having the ability to travel through time without any of the hassle of actually going anywhere.

Lesson learned the hard way

2008-03-13T23:27:00.002-04:00

Putting someones information in your address book so you can get together again only works if you remember their name.

I weep for the future

2008-03-05T15:27:00.004-05:00

Recently, some girl accidentally gave the College Board my e-mail address instead of her own. Now I'm getting all of the applications and college advertisements that are meant for her.

Honey, if you're having trouble remember your email address, maybe college isn't for you.

Learn from my mistakes

2008-02-22T17:23:00.001-05:00

Waking up early on a Saturday morning to view apartments sucks.

Waking up early on a Saturday morning with a hangover to view apartments really sucks.

My mission over the next year

2008-02-09T17:46:00.000-05:00

I need to break the Australians (or maybe just the Sydney-siders) of their popped-collar habits. Why guys, why?

Those magic changes

2008-01-09T08:17:00.000-05:00

Starting in February, Kev's Musing's will be undergoing some changes (much like puberty although hopefully with less of the embarrassing voice cracking). While I will still try to provide you with a few laughs in your day (or week/month, depending on how often you visit/I get around to posting) the aim will change slighly to be "Kev's comedic view on the everyday life of a twentysomething New York guy living in Australia."

That's right. I'm packing up my stuff and heading down under for a year that is sure to be full of the wacky, fun (and slightly embarrassing) situations I've been writing about from the States. So keep your eyes on this site for new posts, with a slightly different, more Australian flare.

Women are like European empires

2008-01-08T13:30:00.000-05:00

Much the way European empires claimed new lands, women do the same thing staking their claims on guys -- by leaving things in their apartments. The only difference is that instead of planting flags they leave behind feminine hygene and haircare products before going on to enslave the natives.

Yet another sign of being a guy

2008-01-07T21:22:00.000-05:00

You can have a phone conversation with BOTH of your parents and it lasts under two minutes and forty seconds.

Things all guys should know #7,328

2007-12-01T15:21:00.000-05:00

No guy has ever gotten in trouble for bringing a girl flowers.

Why the U.S. will never win the Miss World pagent

2007-11-28T21:45:00.000-05:00

As a guy, when I see something like this, I have two immediate reactions:

I want to shield my eyes
I have to share this with everyone

Yet another sign you're growing old

2007-11-25T18:56:00.001-05:00

You go out for drinks with friends from college and the conversation turns to the real estate market and mortgages

Please remember

2007-11-24T00:34:00.000-05:00

Guys, please remember, friends don't let friends pop their collar.

This is one tragedy we can prevent.

Murphy's law of clothing

2007-11-21T08:42:00.000-05:00

Why is it that you never bump into anyone in your building wearing your tux, but always run into the ridiculously hot girl who lives on 7 the one night you are feeding your neighbor's cat in ripped sweatpants and a holey t-shirt from a 1997 Wallflowers concert?

How to make a woman's day

2007-11-20T09:47:00.000-05:00

If you are looking to make a woman's day, just repeat the following phrase, "can we go shopping and I'll hold your bags?"

Its the female equivalent of saying to a man, "want to go back to my place, where I'll cook you dinner and we can watch SportsCenter?"

What men are really thinking

2007-11-18T09:55:00.000-05:00

This commercial says it all.

glumbert - What Men Are Really Thinking

More signs you're getting old

2007-11-05T15:36:00.000-05:00

You know you're staring to get older when you naturally wake up early on weekend mornings, no matter what time you got home the night before. It's like the day you hit 28 you lose the ability to sleep past 8:00 AM.

What makes you feel even older is when you call your parents and even they aren't awake yet.

Some advice for the ladies

2007-10-29T10:25:00.000-04:00

Ladies,

Let me give you a piece of advice. No matter how large it says "sorry I missed your birthday" inside, NEVER buy a card for a twenty-somethings guy that just says "I'm late!" on the front.

I'm going to write Hallmark a very strongly worded letter.

How to make your coworkers very confused

2007-10-23T19:27:00.001-04:00

When they ask you where you got your monogrammed cuff links, instead of telling them "they were a gift for being in my friend's wedding," accidentally tell them, "they were a wedding gift."

The NyQuil hangover

2007-10-17T09:40:00.000-04:00

I'm convinced that NyQuil should have a warning label about having to work within 37 hours of taking it. I took what I thought was the recommended dose, hoping I could actually shake this cold and get a good night's sleep. I'm not sure that what I did last night counted so much as "sleeping" as much as it was "passing out."

This morning, I'm left with the worst part of having taken NyQuil. The medicine part has worn off, but the sleep-aide part hasn't. I have the NyQuil hangover.

Murphy's law of cleaning

2007-10-15T17:40:00.000-04:00

If you clean your apartment, expecting that you could have company, you are guaranteed not to have any visitors. However, if you have a rough morning, leave the bed unmade, dishes stacked in the kitchen and your clothes on the floor, you can expect half a dozen friends will randomly stop over after work.

I'm pretty sure that if I ever meet a supermodel my prayers will be answered and she's going to want to come home with me... but only if my place is a wreck. Of course, if it's clean, she won't give me the time of day.

Guy logic in action

2007-10-12T06:47:00.000-04:00

I love it when conversations with my male friends provide a perfect insight into the male psyche. Take this conversation from the other night:

Kev's Friend: I met a girl the other night -- we have a date tonight
Kev: Oh yeah?
KF: Yeah. I was totally wasted. I wonder if I should have a few shots before our date
Kev: To take the edge off?
KF: No. So she recognizes me.
Kev: Wow.

Send the marines

2007-10-10T20:01:00.000-04:00

Ladies, I have to give you credit. When you get your girls together and head out to a bar, you don't go all willy-nilly like we guys do, when you go out you move like a well-trained military operation.

You're strategic. You stake out your position in the bar, and you watch out for one another. If a guy tries to make a move on one of your girls, you flank him in from all sides. If his buddy tried to come in and help, you have two girls intercept him and dance with him so that he never even makes it to his friend.

And if one girl wants to go, even if one of you is getting along with a guy you met, you all leave. If four girls go into a bar, there's four girls coming out. You're like the marines -- no man left behind.

Meanwhile we guys are the complete opposite. If one of our guys hits it off, or leaves with a girl, all bets are off. Even if you're in town from another country, and you are staying at his apartment, guy law states that you can't pull him away from the girl. Even if your buddy was the driver, and you live 200 miles away, tough luck. Pick-pocket his keys, call a cab or hike up your slacks, 'cause you're walking home, dude.

Once a friend of mine left his heart medicine in our buddy's car. Our buddy was dancing with two of the hottest girls we've ever seen, so under no circumstances could we interrupt him. My friend, a devoted follower of guy law, did what any honorable friend would do -- he left our buddy alone, pounded one last Red Bull and vodka, gave himself a 300-volt shock with the bar's external defibrillator, and limped home.

Another sign you're a true New Yorker

2007-10-09T19:08:00.000-04:00

When you see a prime parking spot you actually stop and consider if you should call a friend with a car and tell them about it.

A little reminder

2007-10-08T16:15:00.001-04:00

My six-monthly bout of paranoia is setting in, so I feel like this is a good time to put out a little reminder -- this Web site is not intended to be a reflection of my life, it is the ramblings and writings of an observational comic sharing his material, focusing on 20-somethings life. Any mention of people, places of business or even myself should be taken as fiction (which isn't to say I haven't actually done/said some of the stupid things inside), and any incidents routed in truth may be deeply embellished and highly edited for comedic value. In other words, these writings are not meant to be an accurate reflection of reality -- they are for comedy and entertainment purposes only.

I hope you will continue to enjoy Kev's Musings.

And as a reminder of other legal mumbo-jumbo here are some musings co-written with my lawyer and a picture of a really cute puppy.

Man law

2007-10-04T07:56:00.000-04:00

If you're out with a few buddies on a work night, and one of them suggests a round of Jagermeister (or Jager-bombs) it's OK to slap him.

Brittney Spears loses custody of children to ex-spouse

2007-10-01T19:41:00.000-04:00

I guess this answers the age old question of "how bad of a parent do you need to be to make Kevin Federline look like the responsible one?"

Kev's guide to understanding guys (vol XVII)

2007-09-29T01:46:00.000-04:00

Pre-booty call (verb) - The act of pre-arranging a booty call. Often by calling or texting much earlier in evening to see "if [someone] might be around 'later' that evening"

Kev's guide to understanding guys (vol XVI)

No, Mom, I'm not sick, I'm just working on my Kermit the Frog impression

2007-09-18T22:30:00.000-04:00

Guys,

If you find yourself staying home from work because you're sick, and your mother should happen to call, I'd highly advise lying and saying you're just taking the day off to relax. Otherwise, if your mom is anything like mine, she'll be so worried about your cold that she'll call you 30 times during the day and not let you get the rest you need, requiring you to take yet another day off from work.

Save the date

2007-09-14T11:14:00.000-04:00

Yet another reason why I'll never be getting married. My bride-to-be would have to agree to letting me put together a save the date like this one...

Amazon searches

2007-09-06T14:20:00.000-04:00

I love Amazon.com, but I can't understand why it recommends the following books to me when I search for "Rugby for Dummies"

European History for Dummies (ok, this one makes a little sense)
The Romans for Dummies (did the Romans invent rugby?)
Personal Development for Dummies (I guess learning the rules of rugby could be seen as "personal development," but it's a bit of a stretch)
DJing for Dummies (huh?)
Managing PCOS for Dummies (I think, and I could be wrong, that PCOS is a computer programming language. Maybe they think after I learn about rugby that I'll develop software to help me play.)

And my personal favorite...

Pregnancy for Dummies (I have no idea what rugby and pregnancy have in common. Maybe if I read both of these books I'll find out)

Taking the next step

2007-09-05T17:51:00.001-04:00

The other day it hit me. I'm nearing 30, and not getting any younger. So I decided to take a big leap of faith and make the next step on the commitment scale.

That's right, I bought a fish.

You look like me

2007-08-26T19:31:00.000-04:00

It's funny when you meet the husband of a girl you used to date, and find that he looks a lot like you.

I guess her type must be "devastatingly handsome."

A public service announcement

2007-08-21T19:51:00.000-04:00

Sure, all you can eat sushi for $20 may seem like a good idea when you're sitting at the table, hungry, looking over the menu, but after you've polished off 14 rolls, an order of tempura and a miso soup, I guarantee you'll have a very different perspective.

Also, be sure to read the fine print. When you're that stuffed you'll find creative ways that don't include eating the left over rolls to get rid of pieces of sushi the restaurant wants to charge you $2 a pop for not eating.

Do I know you from somewhere?

2007-08-19T09:53:00.000-04:00

Last night, while having drinks with a few friends, we spotted these three girls at the bar who were very obviously trolling for guys. They didn't look very experienced at it based on the fact that their body language screamed "don't approach me" while they tried to make eye-contact with every guy in the bar. One girl looked downright angry.

About an hour into the evening, well after we finished making of fun of the girls from our own table, it was my round to buy drinks, so I pushed into an opening at the bar -- not realizing it was next to these girls. About a 1/2 second after approaching the bar, Angry Girl taps me on the shoulder and asks, "do I know you from somewhere?"

Do I know you from somewhere -- do people seriously still use this line?!? It's about as trite and overused as "come here often?" She should have saved herself the embarrassment and just asked me if I'm a Libra, or if I injured myself when I fell from heaven -- Barely were these words out of my mouth when we discover we were in the same football league.

Who has two thumbs and needs to learn to keep his mouth shut? This guy.

Play it again Sam

2007-08-17T07:38:00.000-04:00

Sitting here this morning, head in hands, next to large glass of water and a bottle of Advil while trying to get ready for work, I some how keep coming back to this concept.

I think I need to heed my own advice.

Born to play

2007-08-15T21:29:00.000-04:00

I hate to admit it, but I'm addicted to NBC's The Singing Bee. The show is cheesy, but I've never felt born to play a game show before.

At last, my addiction to karaoke could actually pay off.

Ladies, please

2007-08-06T23:20:00.000-04:00

Something to keep in mind.

G-mail ads

2007-08-03T08:08:00.000-04:00

I think the ads in G-mail are trying to mess with me. I don't know how this is related to the content of my last few conversations, but its giving me links on weight loss tips, for Propecia and the most recent asked if I'm a "slacker mom."

Great - apparently my e-mail thinks I'm a fat, bald woman.

A friendly piece of advice for my male reader

2007-07-29T19:10:00.001-04:00

When you meet your buddy's new girlfriend for the first time, try not to call her by his ex's name. I guarantee she won't take to that very kindly.

And no, it isn't alright to ask if she was your waitress the night before at Hooters (even if she was...).

New weight loss regimine

2007-07-28T15:04:00.000-04:00

I just discovered the best way to lose weight - go biking hungover. It's that perfect mix of exercise and bulimia.

Buying my allegance

2007-07-14T14:29:00.000-04:00

In recent months I've become a big fan of Amnesty International. If they didn't exist, I might not have any return address labels.

Bring back that loving feeling

2007-07-13T08:03:00.000-04:00

Last night during farewell drinks for a coworker, a few of us serenaded her with the Righteous Brothers' "You've Lost That Loving Feeling," Top Gun style. What worries me isn't that we won't be allowed back at New World Grill (although we probably won't any time soon) but that this is the second time this month that this has happened.

Do they have a 12 step program for this? I'm beginning to it may be a problem.

Talking bout my generation

2007-07-08T00:06:00.000-04:00

After seeing Roger Waters perform in concert tonight, I've concluded that I never experimented enough with drugs to understand Pink Floyd... and I'm totally OK with that.

Happy birthday America

2007-07-04T11:26:00.000-04:00

In the spirit of diplomacy, to celebrate America's 231st birthday (she doesn't look a day over 225!) let's give Ohio and Florida back to England.

On bachelor parties

2007-07-04T10:40:00.000-04:00

I've come to the conclusion that we're throwing bachelor parties for the wrong people. Instead of arranging them for our buddies who are getting married we should be throwing them for our friends who have recently gotten out of relationships.

Here's my logic. Who do you think needs a weekend of wild debauchery, gambling and strippers more, the guy we're preparing to send off to marital bliss or the guy who just got out of a two-year relationship and in the confusing hours after the split is afraid he may never have fun or see a naked woman again? Exactly - the later. Plus, it would be a great pick-me-up -- maybe even something the guy can look forward to during the long and painful hours of discussion that go into splitting up.

I've had the honor of being a groomsman several times now and even the best man. I'm beginning to think that some people are starting to put me in their wedding party solely because of my impressive wedding resume - especially when I'm not even close friends with the couple. I think it's because the bride is confident that I've done this enough times now to know what I'm doing so that I'll keep the groom and his buddies in line and on track with his wedding duties, while the guy knows I've arranged a legendary bachelor party on more than one occasion.

I like my bathroom REALLY clean

2007-07-02T22:32:00.000-04:00

According to the directions on a can of Comet, you should sprinkle it on your sink, tub and toilet for 15 seconds and then wipe and rinse to clean. If you also want to disinfect, you should leave the Comet on for five minutes before wiping and rinsing.

Personally, I think I subconsciously like my bathroom really, really clean, because I sprinkled Comet onto my sink, tub and toilet, forgot about it and went to work for 12 HOURS before I came home to wipe and rinse it off.

To take advantage of my new super-cleanliness, if you come over to my place over the next few days, don't be surprised if I offer to serve you dinner in my tub.

The most beautiful girl in the room (the whole wide room)

2007-06-29T11:39:00.000-04:00

I finally caught Flight of the Conchords. Brilliant. If you don't watch this show, here's what you're missing:

Nature's steam room

2007-06-27T09:31:00.000-04:00

I've decided that I'm no longer going to waste time steaming my clothes in the morning. The 90+ degree New York Weather with about 5000% humidity blasts any wrinkles out of my clothes for me on the way into the office.

Swear jar

2007-06-02T10:06:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking of putting a swear jar at my desk, except the way I tend to curse at work, I'm afraid I'd owe more than my salary in less than a week.

You're inviting me? Seriously?

2007-06-01T07:53:00.001-04:00

Last night I received a wedding invitation that seemed to come out of the blue. Normally you have some idea that you'll be receiving an invite to the wedding, but I never saw this coming.

My surprise wasn't because I didn't know the couple was engaged, it was just that I had only met the bride once -- and I've still never met the groom. Maybe this is the price I pay because the bride drove me to the airport about a year ago -- now she wants a wedding present in return.

Getting the wedding invite was almost as awkward as the time I received a baby announcement from an ex-girlfriend. I was wondering if it was a creative way of telling me the child was mine, until friends assured me that the 27 months since we had broken up was awful long for a pregnancy.

Modern celebrity sightings

2007-05-25T10:22:00.000-04:00

Yesterday afternoon, while walking home from work, I nearly ran right into Jessica Simpson. The funny thing is that I almost didn't recognize her with out the words "MUTE" in green across her forehead.