Regrettably, it has come to our attention…

A couple of days ago, a friend who is getting married asked me a question I couldn’t answer. To help him out I looked up the answer on TheKnot.com. Well, this morning I received a letter letting me know that just for knowing about the Web site, not even for visiting it, my manhood was officially revoked.

Apparently I can appeal to get it back, but the process has something to do with crushing beer cans on my forehead and rotating the tires of a pick-up truck.

When I relayed this story to a buddy of mine, he reminded me that this isn’t the first time I’ve gotten my status in trouble. Back in 2000, just after the whole ballot counting election fiasco, I got a letter from an attorney in Florida who was suing to reinstate my virginity. Apparently I had only dimpled the chad…