Things you learn

I've conferred with my buddies, and we've come to a conclusion: up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, select, start, does NOT stop a girl's period mid-cycle -- no matter how many times you try, or how quickly you enter the code.

You can't blame us for trying.

But I was going to break up with you

A buddy of mine was recently dumped by a girl he was planning on breaking up with. I think this has happened to all of us at some point now. You'd think it would be great -- that it gets you off the hook without having to be the bad guy -- but it isn't. It's actually quite insulting. You sit there thinking, "you can't dump me, I dump you. That's how this works."

It's adding insult to injury. It's like getting fired from a job you feel was beneath you to begin with.

Signs the girl is a keeper

When she gets a hold of your cell phone and programs in "is my sweet piece of ass" after her name. Ladies, you get extra points for that.

I'm just sayin'...

Of course, it does make voice-dial somewhat awkward when you're walking down Broadway.

A mother's day thought

With most aspects of life, the more I practice things the better I get at them. The one exception is gift wrapping. Why is it that after 20+ years of experience, when I'm finished, it still looks like a four year-old did it?

At least I no longer wrap presents using the phone-sex ads in the Village Voice. I've graduated to actual gift-wrap, although admittedly, it is a recent development.

And now a word about Mommas from Mr. T:

Kev's public service announcement

If you're out with friends, and it's your turn to call the round, don't order car bombs. Oh sure, dropping a shot of whisky and Baily's into half a glass of Guiness may seem like a good idea when it's 12:30 am and you've been drinking since 6:00 pm, but your stomach will suggest otherwise in the morning.

No really -- it will. It always does.

Different strokes for different folks

I'm convinced that one of the reasons my group of guy friends has remained close for so long is because we all have different taste in women. For example, I like cute. Mike likes exotic women. Seth really likes teachers. Chris has a thing for Asian girls. Jack... well Jack will date anything female.

But recently all of our tastes have converged on one girl, which I fear could be catastrophic for our friendship. So I propose we go back to our roots and solve this the way we used to.

If we ever meet Shakira, I've got dibs.

Lessons learned

I don't care what anyone says, there is nothing masculine about walking out of Pottery Barn with four bags of presents for a "Jack and Jill" bridal shower.

Next time I'm getting a girl to come with me as a decoy.

Kev's guide to understanding guys (vol XI)

The Work of Shame (phrase) - Similar to its walk of shame cousin, this is when you wear the same set of clothes to work two days in a row because you went out the night before, and didn't make it home.

• If you're smart about it, you stop at Banana or The Gap for a change of shirt on the way into the office.
• If you're really smart about it, and you knew there was a chance you were going to go out, you wore plain black pants and non-descript shoes -- just in case.
• If you're really bad about it, you keep a full change of clothes, a toothbrush and deodorant in your desk drawer.
  

Kev's guide to understanding guys (vol X)