A note to myself

As I sit here with dark shades on, and what feels like a 12-car pileup taking place inside my head, I'm drafting the note below to myself that I plan on putting in my pants pocket next time I go out on a worknight, in the hopes that I'll reach in and find it.

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Kevin,

A few things you need to keep in mind:

1 - You are not a rockstar

2 - Just because some of your friends have the next day off, doesn't mean you do too

3 - No. Shots are not a good idea

4 - No night ends well that starts with Jagermeister

5 - Tequilla is not your friend - put the glass down

6 - If the little hand is on the "2," and the big hand is on the "9," then both your hands should be attached to your pillows, and not to a bottle of Jack Daniels

7 - Your friends who couldn't make it, or live elsewhere, do not want to hear from you at 1:30 in the morning

8 - No matter how much everybody loves Hey Ya, no one wants to hear you sing

9 - In this country, all denominations of money are the same shape and color. Make sure you're giving the cab driver 1's and not 10's, and no, there's no such thing as a two dollar bill, look again

10 - If you find this note in the morning because you woke up in the clothes you wore last night, then Excedrine Migraine and water are your two new best friends