Wait a minute... are we on a date?
I'd like to revisit a concept I've mused about before, that grey line where at least one party isn't sure if they're on a date or not. Now I've suggested in the past, if you don't want it to be a date, that you employ the rule of five, or, if that fails, go nuclear, but lately it seems the karmic tables have shifted, and a number of people in my social circle have been on the opposite end of the spectrum, hoping that what they're on is a date, but not knowing for certain.
Now, if we lived in movie-land, where the overly romantic and dramatic was always the best way to proceed, I'd suggest just leaning over the table in kissing the person as a good way to find out. But being that this is reality and being slapped in a public restaurant kind of sucks and often has awkward effects if you are indeed out with a friend (or coworker), I'd suggest trying to employ or read subtler signals until you're sure. Some thoughts:
- See if they mention a current boyfriend/girlfriend (The deterrence method) - While this isn't 100% proof (as a buddy of mine recently found out when having coffee with a girl who has a boyfriend of five years) its often the first thing to look for. Over-mentioning the boyfriend/girlfriend, or discussing the people they're seeing is usually the big, flashing, billboard of friendship.
- Does the person drop hints that they're single? (The fishing expedition) - Does the person mention ex's but nothing current? Do they say what they're doing for the weekend, but not mention with whom? There's a reason they're not telling you who the plans are with. No they don't want you to ask, they don't want you to know if they're going on a date to avoid sending the wrong signal.
- Increase or decrease in touching (The "I'll have the burger with a side of affection, please") - One of my personal favorites. When in an intimate situation with a person we're interested in, one of two things usually happens, we increase our affection (often touching the forearms or back more -- these are the safest areas ). This dates back to our ape ancestors who touch and groom as a sign of affection. The opposite is true as well -- often we become so self-conscious of touch that we have a marked decrease in affection. Notice either? Positive signs.
- The person floats suggestions past you (The drop it like it's hot) - Person drops hints of places they like to go, or things they like they like to do, but doesn't suggest you do them together. (Oh, I've been wanting to see that exhibit" or "I love that restaurant, I'd love to go back sometime") they're not making a general statement, they're floating suggestions past you and subtly suggesting things you can ask them out to do.
- Look at your surroundings (The "all signs point to date") - Simple enough, yet easily overlooked. If you find yourself in a small, hidden alcove while in a rowboat in Central Park, having packed a picnic lunch and a bottle of wine, chances are you don't need a magic 8-ball to tell you that you aren't "just meeting a friend for lunch."
Keep in mind these are only a handful of the signs to look for, and not guaranteed proof. I've been out with girls who have given me more mixed and confusing signs than an M. Night Shyamalan movie, leaving this former interpersonal communications major in complete confusion.
Now, if we lived in movie-land, where the overly romantic and dramatic was always the best way to proceed, I'd suggest just leaning over the table in kissing the person as a good way to find out. But being that this is reality and being slapped in a public restaurant kind of sucks and often has awkward effects if you are indeed out with a friend (or coworker), I'd suggest trying to employ or read subtler signals until you're sure. Some thoughts:
- See if they mention a current boyfriend/girlfriend (The deterrence method) - While this isn't 100% proof (as a buddy of mine recently found out when having coffee with a girl who has a boyfriend of five years) its often the first thing to look for. Over-mentioning the boyfriend/girlfriend, or discussing the people they're seeing is usually the big, flashing, billboard of friendship.
- Does the person drop hints that they're single? (The fishing expedition) - Does the person mention ex's but nothing current? Do they say what they're doing for the weekend, but not mention with whom? There's a reason they're not telling you who the plans are with. No they don't want you to ask, they don't want you to know if they're going on a date to avoid sending the wrong signal.
- Increase or decrease in touching (The "I'll have the burger with a side of affection, please") - One of my personal favorites. When in an intimate situation with a person we're interested in, one of two things usually happens, we increase our affection (often touching the forearms or back more -- these are the safest areas ). This dates back to our ape ancestors who touch and groom as a sign of affection. The opposite is true as well -- often we become so self-conscious of touch that we have a marked decrease in affection. Notice either? Positive signs.
- The person floats suggestions past you (The drop it like it's hot) - Person drops hints of places they like to go, or things they like they like to do, but doesn't suggest you do them together. (Oh, I've been wanting to see that exhibit" or "I love that restaurant, I'd love to go back sometime") they're not making a general statement, they're floating suggestions past you and subtly suggesting things you can ask them out to do.
- Look at your surroundings (The "all signs point to date") - Simple enough, yet easily overlooked. If you find yourself in a small, hidden alcove while in a rowboat in Central Park, having packed a picnic lunch and a bottle of wine, chances are you don't need a magic 8-ball to tell you that you aren't "just meeting a friend for lunch."
Keep in mind these are only a handful of the signs to look for, and not guaranteed proof. I've been out with girls who have given me more mixed and confusing signs than an M. Night Shyamalan movie, leaving this former interpersonal communications major in complete confusion.
posted by Kevin at
12:55 PM
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