Have I gotten that bad?

So in the past few days, five people, of different genders, have responded to something I've said with, "we need to get Kevin a girl." I need to know, Have I gotten that bad? To be honest, I'm not even sure what I said that prompted this response.

And no, I haven't humped anybody's leg. Well, okay, I haven't humped anybody's leg lately.

Oh, and what makes it worse? One of the five was my mom. Yet another was a supervisor.

A thought on Gaza

Let's show some support for Israel -- let's give Texas back to Mexico.

Today's mantra

I will stop going out on Thursday nights. I will stop going out on Thursday nights. I will stop going out on Thursday nights. I will stop going out on Thursday nights. I will stop going out on Thursday nights. I will stop going out on Thursday nights. I will stop going out on Thursday nights. I will stop going out on Thursday nights. I will stop going out on Thursday nights. I will stop going out on Thursday nights. I will stop going out on Thursday nights. I will stop going out on Thursday nights. I will stop going out on Thursday nights. I will stop going out on Thursday nights. I will stop going out on Thursday nights. I will stop going out on Thursday nights.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Kev's guide to understanding guys (vol III)

Post-emptive strike (phrase) – an act of retribution against someone for preemptively breaking up with you. Usually in the form of sleeping with their friend.

To answer a friend's question...

Yes. I do think that drinking in the shower necessarily makes you an alcoholic.

Quote of the day

Overheard on a conference call the other day: "Canada is like the loft above a really great party."

A note to myself

As I sit here with dark shades on, and what feels like a 12-car pileup taking place inside my head, I'm drafting the note below to myself that I plan on putting in my pants pocket next time I go out on a worknight, in the hopes that I'll reach in and find it.

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Kevin,

A few things you need to keep in mind:

1 - You are not a rockstar

2 - Just because some of your friends have the next day off, doesn't mean you do too

3 - No. Shots are not a good idea

4 - No night ends well that starts with Jagermeister

5 - Tequilla is not your friend - put the glass down

6 - If the little hand is on the "2," and the big hand is on the "9," then both your hands should be attached to your pillows, and not to a bottle of Jack Daniels

7 - Your friends who couldn't make it, or live elsewhere, do not want to hear from you at 1:30 in the morning

8 - No matter how much everybody loves Hey Ya, no one wants to hear you sing

9 - In this country, all denominations of money are the same shape and color. Make sure you're giving the cab driver 1's and not 10's, and no, there's no such thing as a two dollar bill, look again

10 - If you find this note in the morning because you woke up in the clothes you wore last night, then Excedrine Migraine and water are your two new best friends

I'm not ready to throw away the Banana Republic card just yet...

From today's NY Daily News - http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/338038p-288635c.html

My reaction? WHAT?!? I'd be lying if I said I didn't believe it. I believe the girls will take the toned, well dressed man (stubble not disputed) any day. Ladies, am I wrong?

Equality for all, but less for me

I decided recently that I'm no longer an advocate for the equality of men and women. Don't get me wrong, I think women should be paid equal wages as men, and should be afforded the same career opportunities as men, I just feel that we men don't need to be offered all the same opportunities as you women.

Let me explain. Recently I attended a "Jack and Jill" baby shower, a "Jack and Jill" bridal shower (men: "Jack and Jill" somehow means that you have to go, too) and was dragged along to help pick out bridesmaid dresses as a part of someone's wedding party. Guys, if you ever have the opportunity to do any of the above, pass. There's only so much "oohhhing" and "ahhhhing" we guys can do before we want to swallow the cyanide capsule. If I were ever taken prisoner behind enemy lines, and my captors really wanted to make me talk, they would open lots of baby clothes and flatware in front of me, and ask what I think about backless dresses in the color peach (I don't like them, by the way).

I guess I miss the old days when, for weddings, all we guys had to do was take part in the debauchery that is the batchelor party and make sure we don't show up too hungover (or worse, still drunk) to the wedding, and if your friend had a baby, you just had to visit with cigars and make sure the baby isn't yours.

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Follow-up:

Speaking of swallowing the cyanide capsule, apparently it's not just us guys contemplating taking our own lives at these godforsaken events.

Looks like the joke's on us

I've noticed recently that a few of us guys who were once proud, self-proclaimed commitment-phobs have started changing our minds when it comes to relationships. I’m beginning to think that fear of comittment may be something we guys outgrow with age.

Now I’m sure to some women ­­– somewhere – this is good news. However for us, it's a problem.

Why is it a problem, you ask? Well, we guys noticed that, while we've outgrown OUR commitment phoebia, we've observed that the women we date seem to become MORE commitment-phobic with age.

What’s up with that? As soon as we’re ready for a relationship, you’re not?!? For f*ck’s sake! If this isn't some sort of cosmic joke, I don’t know what is. I think I've stumbled upon karma's closing arguement.

Wait a minute... are we on a date?

I'd like to revisit a concept I've mused about before, that grey line where at least one party isn't sure if they're on a date or not. Now I've suggested in the past, if you don't want it to be a date, that you employ the rule of five, or, if that fails, go nuclear, but lately it seems the karmic tables have shifted, and a number of people in my social circle have been on the opposite end of the spectrum, hoping that what they're on is a date, but not knowing for certain.

Now, if we lived in movie-land, where the overly romantic and dramatic was always the best way to proceed, I'd suggest just leaning over the table in kissing the person as a good way to find out. But being that this is reality and being slapped in a public restaurant kind of sucks and often has awkward effects if you are indeed out with a friend (or coworker), I'd suggest trying to employ or read subtler signals until you're sure. Some thoughts:

- See if they mention a current boyfriend/girlfriend (The deterrence method) - While this isn't 100% proof (as a buddy of mine recently found out when having coffee with a girl who has a boyfriend of five years) its often the first thing to look for. Over-mentioning the boyfriend/girlfriend, or discussing the people they're seeing is usually the big, flashing, billboard of friendship.

- Does the person drop hints that they're single? (The fishing expedition) - Does the person mention ex's but nothing current? Do they say what they're doing for the weekend, but not mention with whom? There's a reason they're not telling you who the plans are with. No they don't want you to ask, they don't want you to know if they're going on a date to avoid sending the wrong signal.

- Increase or decrease in touching (The "I'll have the burger with a side of affection, please") - One of my personal favorites. When in an intimate situation with a person we're interested in, one of two things usually happens, we increase our affection (often touching the forearms or back more -- these are the safest areas ). This dates back to our ape ancestors who touch and groom as a sign of affection. The opposite is true as well -- often we become so self-conscious of touch that we have a marked decrease in affection. Notice either? Positive signs.

- The person floats suggestions past you (The drop it like it's hot) - Person drops hints of places they like to go, or things they like they like to do, but doesn't suggest you do them together. (Oh, I've been wanting to see that exhibit" or "I love that restaurant, I'd love to go back sometime") they're not making a general statement, they're floating suggestions past you and subtly suggesting things you can ask them out to do.

- Look at your surroundings (The "all signs point to date") - Simple enough, yet easily overlooked. If you find yourself in a small, hidden alcove while in a rowboat in Central Park, having packed a picnic lunch and a bottle of wine, chances are you don't need a magic 8-ball to tell you that you aren't "just meeting a friend for lunch."

Keep in mind these are only a handful of the signs to look for, and not guaranteed proof. I've been out with girls who have given me more mixed and confusing signs than an M. Night Shyamalan movie, leaving this former interpersonal communications major in complete confusion.

Semi-blind kind of date

I've come to believe that there's such a thing as a "semi-blind" date, or maybe a "legally-blind" date, I don't know, I haven't thought it through yet. Anyway, here's the concept:

So you've seen someone's picture, or friendster page or met ever so briefly, and you go to a mutual friend and say, "hey, I think your friend is kinda cute. Introduce me?" And your friend, being the good friend that they are, relays the info, and the friend's friend thinks you're kinda cute as well, and gives their nod for the number exchange. You call, and you meet up to go out.

Here's the dilemma: is it a blind date?

You haven't exactly met the person, so you have no idea of how they are in person, so it isn't a proper date. You also have seen a picture or friendster profile or whatnot, so it isn't exactly a completely blind date, the kind where you're left wondering, "what if the person is boring and unattractive?" It's a grey area in between.

Now I ran this by Jen, who is pretty adamant that there's no such thing as a "semi-blind" date, and actually threatened me should I write about such a concept (sorry Jen), but I'm curious to see what others think, so I appeal this to a higher court - does a semi-blind date exist?

The post-date analysis

I've recently noticed yet another quirky difference that separates the world guys and girls live in -- and it's called the post-date analysis.

Have you ever heard girls after one has been on a date? They discuss every single detail. The questions the friends ask are unbelievable. Some are a bit normal, "what was he wearing?" "Did he reach for the check?" "Did you reach for the check?" Then they get deeper into the actual analysis, "What did he say?" "How did he say it?" "what do you think he meant by that?" "Was there a pause in the conversation?" Then they depart for the bizzare, "How long was the pause?" "If the pause could hold water, how much water would it hold?" "If it were a bag, would it be more Louis Vuitton or Fendi?" "If the pause were Sex in the City, was it more Carrie or Samantha?"

The male post-date analysis consists of two words: "Get laid?"

File that under "Things they should have taught us in college"

The steam function on your iron is more than a battle cry to let the shirt know you're coming.

Who knew?

F*ck karma

This evening, while getting off a bus to change to a connecting bus, I stopped to hold the door for an elderly woman after I had gotten off. As soon as she had exited, and I let the door go, I noticed that my connecting bus was on the corner at the stop. I bolted for the bus, only to have it pull away as I got to the doors.

Forget karma -- no good deed goes unpunished.

This one's for the boys

A public service announcement for the gents.

Guys,

I want you to take the lesson below, cut it out, and keep it in your wallet at all times as a reminder. It's that important to remember.

If a special someone calls you at 2:30 in the morning, and asks you to come over, YOU GO.

I can't stress this enough. It's the fabric of our being. It's what makes us guys. I don't care if the next day you have an important business meeting, an early train to catch or a lunch with the Pope. You go.