Kevin's guide to the stages of relationships
Recently I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone seems to have their own definitions of the stages that make up wonderful (and highly confusing) process that is dating. This becomes a real problem when trying to talk about people you might or might not be seeing. When discussing it with some friends, I came to the conclusion that we all had different ideas of what “dating” means. I also learned that guys and girls also have different definitions for the same terms – and that usually the male version had a much lower expectation of the level of commitment involved. This isn’t good.
As a helpful gesture, I’ve created the handy-dandy guide below.
Ladies: I’ve created the guide to help clear up some of the misunderstandings and help get us all on the same page.
Guys: The chart below, modeled after the Department of Homeland Security’s Terror Advisory System is designed to help you identify if you might be in a relationship, and if you are, where on the scale you fall.
Level one: “Talking to Someone”
You may have had a couple of dates with someone, but nothing is official and you’d hardly consider yourself in a relationship. Contact is sporadic. If you’ve spoken on the phone the conversations were most likely brief and usually tried to accomplish some sort of goal, such as to say “I really had a good time last night,” “hey, are you free for a drink on Thursday” or “When we met I had just finished my third keg-stand, can you remind me of what you look like, and uh, are you a girl?”
How you could describe it to someone: “I’ve been talking to this girl who’s in advertising” or “I’m talking to this guy who I think lives in your neighborhood.”
What ending the relationship would entail: Either party can just stop calling the other. No hard feelings are involved. No harm, no foul.
Level two: “Seeing Someone” or “Going Out”
So the person you’ve been “going out” with a few times and you have started to really hit it off, and you’ve begun speaking on the phone more frequently and seeing each other more often. Congratulations – you’re now seeing/going out with him or her! You may even call each other without trying to accomplish something, and might know some personal information about them, such as her middle name or where his grandmother lives. You wouldn’t call this person your “significant other”, but you may have that idea in mind, or at least you’ve decided they’re not a total slime-ball and you enjoy their company.
How you could describe it to someone: “I’m going out this girl who can do the most amazing thing with her tongue” or “I’ve been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks who’s kind of cute.”
What ending the relationship would entail: You most likely would have to have a somewhat unpleasant conversation, but odds are you don’t have to worry about getting any of your stuff back. And yes, it’s completely cool to do over the phone.
Level three: “Dating”
So the guy/girl you’ve been seeing has become a regular fixture in your life. You talk to him or her on a regular basis, and have decided not to see anyone else anymore. If you want to start calling this person you boy/girlfriend and enter stage three, you have to have The Conversation – the one where one of you says something to the effect of “what are we” or “where is this going?” (Note to guys: it is never acceptable or even considered funny to answer the question with ‘Detroit’) You may even start making plans as a couple, and may even have your own lingo.
How you could describe it to someone: “Jessica and I have been dating for a couple of months” or “my boyfriend Jeff said the most idiotic thing last night.”
What ending the relationship would entail: It probably starts with the words “we need to talk” and involves doing The Great Stuff Swap.
Level four: The Serious Relationship
You and your girl/boyfriend have been dating for a long enough time that the honeymoon period is over, but things are still going well. You’ve met each other’s parents and when you talk to friends they ask questions like “so what is Steve up to?” or “Is Edna still looking for a new job?” and they expect you to know the answers. You two may even have shared video memberships, cell phone plans or joint custody of plants/small furry creatures. If you have a spare toothbrush, a set of casual clothes and something appropriate for work at the person’s house, you’re most likely in a serious relationship. Another dead giveaway is that you plan to spend major holidays together or live together.
How you could describe it to someone: “Dave and I are spending Thanksgiving with my family.” “Kathy has a spare set of my keys at her place.”
What ending the relationship would entail: It’s an emotional, in person (note to guys: breaking up at this stage by e-mail -- not such a good idea, even if she does have "a really good jab") discussion that takes several hours and should receive corporate sponsorship from Kleenex, Ben & Jerry’s and Jack Daniels.
Level five: Legal Commitment
Congratulations – you’ve successfully navigated the BS of dating, made it through without obtaining serious emotional damage and found someone to be happy with. Guys, if you need help determining if you’ve entered a legal commitment, you’re either beyond my assistance, did it while drunk, did it in Vegas, or some combination thereof.
How you could describe it to someone: “My wife Cassandra can’t cook to save her life.” “My common-law husband Patrick doesn’t seem to know how to take the trash out.”
What ending the relationship would entail: Large legal bills, formal proceedings and if you’re a celebrity, a talk-show circuit tour and a trip to the Betty Ford Clinic.
Sometime soon I plan on addressing some of the other terms that fall under the world of dating and relationships, but aren't a part of the scale, such as the phrase "friends with benefits" -- I hate the way that term sounds -- it sounds to me like someone should be receiving rewards points or frequent flier miles or something...
As a helpful gesture, I’ve created the handy-dandy guide below.
Ladies: I’ve created the guide to help clear up some of the misunderstandings and help get us all on the same page.
Guys: The chart below, modeled after the Department of Homeland Security’s Terror Advisory System is designed to help you identify if you might be in a relationship, and if you are, where on the scale you fall.
Level one: “Talking to Someone”
You may have had a couple of dates with someone, but nothing is official and you’d hardly consider yourself in a relationship. Contact is sporadic. If you’ve spoken on the phone the conversations were most likely brief and usually tried to accomplish some sort of goal, such as to say “I really had a good time last night,” “hey, are you free for a drink on Thursday” or “When we met I had just finished my third keg-stand, can you remind me of what you look like, and uh, are you a girl?”
How you could describe it to someone: “I’ve been talking to this girl who’s in advertising” or “I’m talking to this guy who I think lives in your neighborhood.”
What ending the relationship would entail: Either party can just stop calling the other. No hard feelings are involved. No harm, no foul.
Level two: “Seeing Someone” or “Going Out”
So the person you’ve been “going out” with a few times and you have started to really hit it off, and you’ve begun speaking on the phone more frequently and seeing each other more often. Congratulations – you’re now seeing/going out with him or her! You may even call each other without trying to accomplish something, and might know some personal information about them, such as her middle name or where his grandmother lives. You wouldn’t call this person your “significant other”, but you may have that idea in mind, or at least you’ve decided they’re not a total slime-ball and you enjoy their company.
How you could describe it to someone: “I’m going out this girl who can do the most amazing thing with her tongue” or “I’ve been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks who’s kind of cute.”
What ending the relationship would entail: You most likely would have to have a somewhat unpleasant conversation, but odds are you don’t have to worry about getting any of your stuff back. And yes, it’s completely cool to do over the phone.
Level three: “Dating”
So the guy/girl you’ve been seeing has become a regular fixture in your life. You talk to him or her on a regular basis, and have decided not to see anyone else anymore. If you want to start calling this person you boy/girlfriend and enter stage three, you have to have The Conversation – the one where one of you says something to the effect of “what are we” or “where is this going?” (Note to guys: it is never acceptable or even considered funny to answer the question with ‘Detroit’) You may even start making plans as a couple, and may even have your own lingo.
How you could describe it to someone: “Jessica and I have been dating for a couple of months” or “my boyfriend Jeff said the most idiotic thing last night.”
What ending the relationship would entail: It probably starts with the words “we need to talk” and involves doing The Great Stuff Swap.
Level four: The Serious Relationship
You and your girl/boyfriend have been dating for a long enough time that the honeymoon period is over, but things are still going well. You’ve met each other’s parents and when you talk to friends they ask questions like “so what is Steve up to?” or “Is Edna still looking for a new job?” and they expect you to know the answers. You two may even have shared video memberships, cell phone plans or joint custody of plants/small furry creatures. If you have a spare toothbrush, a set of casual clothes and something appropriate for work at the person’s house, you’re most likely in a serious relationship. Another dead giveaway is that you plan to spend major holidays together or live together.
How you could describe it to someone: “Dave and I are spending Thanksgiving with my family.” “Kathy has a spare set of my keys at her place.”
What ending the relationship would entail: It’s an emotional, in person (note to guys: breaking up at this stage by e-mail -- not such a good idea, even if she does have "a really good jab") discussion that takes several hours and should receive corporate sponsorship from Kleenex, Ben & Jerry’s and Jack Daniels.
Level five: Legal Commitment
Congratulations – you’ve successfully navigated the BS of dating, made it through without obtaining serious emotional damage and found someone to be happy with. Guys, if you need help determining if you’ve entered a legal commitment, you’re either beyond my assistance, did it while drunk, did it in Vegas, or some combination thereof.
How you could describe it to someone: “My wife Cassandra can’t cook to save her life.” “My common-law husband Patrick doesn’t seem to know how to take the trash out.”
What ending the relationship would entail: Large legal bills, formal proceedings and if you’re a celebrity, a talk-show circuit tour and a trip to the Betty Ford Clinic.
Sometime soon I plan on addressing some of the other terms that fall under the world of dating and relationships, but aren't a part of the scale, such as the phrase "friends with benefits" -- I hate the way that term sounds -- it sounds to me like someone should be receiving rewards points or frequent flier miles or something...
posted by Kevin at
7:28 PM
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