The Chipotle experience

Finally, someone on Craig's List understands the Chipotle experience. This has been the topic of conversation at work for the past couple of weeks..

http://newyork.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/26521996.html

MIT: Metro-sexual In Training

While I’m well aware that I’m such a fashion-don’t that I shouldn’t be allowed to dress myself, I’m trying to become more of a metro-sexual under to the tutelage of my friends Brad, Seth and Mike. And while my friends will tell you that I’m doing much better, they’d also be glad to tell you that I still have far to go. In fact, the other weekend, they sent home to change.

You heard me right, my friends sent me home to change.

I was meeting Brad and Luke for a slice of pizza, before heading to our local pub (Jake’s Dilemma) to pre-game before heading to a party, in typical Swinger’s-approved fashion. I spent some time going over the outfit choices before settling on some nice jeans, a polo shirt and a ribbed v-neck sweater – all items of clothing that I’ve gotten complements on before – just never having worn them together. Perhaps that’s the element I didn’t consider.

So when I showed up to the pizza place near my house, Brad took one look at the outfit and burst into laughter. When I asked, "What do you think?" His only reply was, "I think you should turn around and go home to change."

So I did.

I’m considering proposing there be a state-funded program to help people like me. I think that if your sense of color, fashion and ensemble are bad enough, the state should be required to send a consultant to your house every morning to help you get dressed, and twice a month to help you shop. Maybe we can lump it into existing budgets created to help beautify the city.

Does it always feel icky the first time?

So the other night I did something that I've never done before. It felt strange and uncomfortable, and I'm not really sure that I should be talking about it. The other night I ended up watching an episode of Sex and the City and found myself quoting it later. I'm somewhat ashamed...

The Twinkie Pack

Ever have that friend (or friends) who’s in a relationship and is way overly dependent on their significant other? I mean overly dependent, as in they don’t make plans without the other being involved? This is the kind of friend who you call to invite to guys night out, and they reply with something like, "sure, we can make it."

I like to refer to these friends as "Twinkie Packs" since Twinkie’s only come in packages of two. Want only one Twinkie? Too bad, it’s buy one get one free. Want to only see one of your friends? Sorry, they no longer come in individual servings.

I don't give blood anymore

In what seemed to be a good idea at the time, I donated blood a couple of months back.

Part of the fun in donating blood is the questionnaire you have to fill out before they'll let you do it. Not only do they want to know if you have any diseases or spent time in some really happening areas of south-central Africa (I think I once saw E! do an episode of Wild On for Botswana), but they also want to know about your sexual history, including, in many instances, the sexual history of past sexual partners.

When I got to this section of the application, Havilah (my coworker who I went to donate blood with) and I couldn't stop laughing. How were either of us supposed to know if we've had a partner who had had a partner who was a man who had been with another man since 1977? We decided that the only way to be sure, going forward was to take a stack of applications "to-go." You know, keep them at hour homes so that we could always be well-informed blood donors. The center was a bit surprised when we asked for some copies to take home.

Recently my office ran another blood drive, only this time I was banned from donating. I know what you're thinking, and no, I am a very clean, very disease-free individual - my company banned me because last time I couldn't remain conscious afterwards.

Yes, that's correct -- I couldn't remain conscious. See, I'm a bit of a competitive person, and Havilah had started first, and was a good quarter-bag ahead of me when I started. So to catch up, I just double-timed how often I squeezed the handgrip. Apparently my body (which isn't very big) wasn't ready for me to lose that percentage of my blood as quickly as I was ready to give it.

The result: I passed out in the recovery area, the reception area, my office, my bosses office, and then finally in the taxi home. For a while I was concerned that they may have to give me a transfusion of the blood I had just donated, but there's no way after all I went through that I was going to let them just give it back.

When I explained the ordeal to my boss, she simply shook her head and said, "Kevin, I worry about you sometimes."

Oh, you're playing Chopsticks, again...

My upstairs neighbor just got a piano. If I hear one more off-key rendition of “Hello Dolly” I’m going to lose it.

I think I finally understand how my downstairs neighbor feels about my 16” powered subwoofer.

Is it a date or a job interview?

I’m often amazed at the similarities between job interviews and dating. I mean, isn’t dating really just a series of interviews where you’re looking to fill the position of “significant other”? For both you get a little dressed up, are on your best behavior and try and convince the person you’re with that really, you’re the best person to fill their opening (take that however you’d like). In the meanwhile, you’re listening to what they’re saying and thinking “hmmm, is this really the kind of operation I’m looking for? I mean, is this the right fit for me?

Sometimes I even get the lingo confused. Who hasn’t been on a job interview and thought “is this really a person I want to potentially see every day?” And, let’s be honest, who hasn’t listened to a date ramble on and thought “gee, is this organization really going to be financially sound – or even around – in five years?” And of course you’re pretending like you’re not having the same conversation with anyone else at the same time – or even have additional appointments set up for the next day.

Then of course there’s the post-meeting etiquette – the follow-up thank you/I had a good time, and the waiting around to see if they call or deciding if you want to call them. Your friends always want to know how it went. Was there a spark? And you think through your own answers and wonder, “did I come across as disinterested? Did I seem too eager? I wonder if they liked me.”

And if it went well, you get to do it all again, and think to yourself “oh yeah, and maybe this time they’ll want to make me an offer…”

Editor's disclaimer: Before I start getting frantic replies back and find myself in a bit of hot water, this edition of Kev's Musings is not an admission that I've been interviewing -- or dating for that matter.

The newest feature on cable

I’m a big fan of digital cable, especially movies on demand, but recently they’ve added a feature I hate – the ability to see your most recently viewed movies.

Now the reason I hate this feature is that I’m afraid it’s going to embarrass me when I have company over. I know, you’re thinking that I’m afraid someone is going to come over and see the last movie I watched was some skinnamax special, but you’re wrong. I’m afraid someone’s going to come over and see the last movie I watched was Win a Date with Tad Hamilton.

Kevin's guide to the stages of relationships

Recently I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone seems to have their own definitions of the stages that make up wonderful (and highly confusing) process that is dating. This becomes a real problem when trying to talk about people you might or might not be seeing. When discussing it with some friends, I came to the conclusion that we all had different ideas of what “dating” means. I also learned that guys and girls also have different definitions for the same terms – and that usually the male version had a much lower expectation of the level of commitment involved. This isn’t good.

As a helpful gesture, I’ve created the handy-dandy guide below.

Ladies: I’ve created the guide to help clear up some of the misunderstandings and help get us all on the same page.

Guys: The chart below, modeled after the Department of Homeland Security’s Terror Advisory System is designed to help you identify if you might be in a relationship, and if you are, where on the scale you fall.

Level one: “Talking to Someone”

You may have had a couple of dates with someone, but nothing is official and you’d hardly consider yourself in a relationship. Contact is sporadic. If you’ve spoken on the phone the conversations were most likely brief and usually tried to accomplish some sort of goal, such as to say “I really had a good time last night,” “hey, are you free for a drink on Thursday” or “When we met I had just finished my third keg-stand, can you remind me of what you look like, and uh, are you a girl?”

How you could describe it to someone: “I’ve been talking to this girl who’s in advertising” or “I’m talking to this guy who I think lives in your neighborhood.”

What ending the relationship would entail: Either party can just stop calling the other. No hard feelings are involved. No harm, no foul.

Level two: “Seeing Someone” or “Going Out”

So the person you’ve been “going out” with a few times and you have started to really hit it off, and you’ve begun speaking on the phone more frequently and seeing each other more often. Congratulations – you’re now seeing/going out with him or her! You may even call each other without trying to accomplish something, and might know some personal information about them, such as her middle name or where his grandmother lives. You wouldn’t call this person your “significant other”, but you may have that idea in mind, or at least you’ve decided they’re not a total slime-ball and you enjoy their company.

How you could describe it to someone: “I’m going out this girl who can do the most amazing thing with her tongue” or “I’ve been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks who’s kind of cute.”

What ending the relationship would entail: You most likely would have to have a somewhat unpleasant conversation, but odds are you don’t have to worry about getting any of your stuff back. And yes, it’s completely cool to do over the phone.

Level three: “Dating”

So the guy/girl you’ve been seeing has become a regular fixture in your life. You talk to him or her on a regular basis, and have decided not to see anyone else anymore. If you want to start calling this person you boy/girlfriend and enter stage three, you have to have The Conversation – the one where one of you says something to the effect of “what are we” or “where is this going?” (Note to guys: it is never acceptable or even considered funny to answer the question with ‘Detroit’) You may even start making plans as a couple, and may even have your own lingo.

How you could describe it to someone: “Jessica and I have been dating for a couple of months” or “my boyfriend Jeff said the most idiotic thing last night.”

What ending the relationship would entail: It probably starts with the words “we need to talk” and involves doing The Great Stuff Swap.

Level four: The Serious Relationship

You and your girl/boyfriend have been dating for a long enough time that the honeymoon period is over, but things are still going well. You’ve met each other’s parents and when you talk to friends they ask questions like “so what is Steve up to?” or “Is Edna still looking for a new job?” and they expect you to know the answers. You two may even have shared video memberships, cell phone plans or joint custody of plants/small furry creatures. If you have a spare toothbrush, a set of casual clothes and something appropriate for work at the person’s house, you’re most likely in a serious relationship. Another dead giveaway is that you plan to spend major holidays together or live together.

How you could describe it to someone: “Dave and I are spending Thanksgiving with my family.” “Kathy has a spare set of my keys at her place.”

What ending the relationship would entail: It’s an emotional, in person (note to guys: breaking up at this stage by e-mail -- not such a good idea, even if she does have "a really good jab") discussion that takes several hours and should receive corporate sponsorship from Kleenex, Ben & Jerry’s and Jack Daniels.

Level five: Legal Commitment

Congratulations – you’ve successfully navigated the BS of dating, made it through without obtaining serious emotional damage and found someone to be happy with. Guys, if you need help determining if you’ve entered a legal commitment, you’re either beyond my assistance, did it while drunk, did it in Vegas, or some combination thereof.

How you could describe it to someone: “My wife Cassandra can’t cook to save her life.” “My common-law husband Patrick doesn’t seem to know how to take the trash out.”

What ending the relationship would entail: Large legal bills, formal proceedings and if you’re a celebrity, a talk-show circuit tour and a trip to the Betty Ford Clinic.

Sometime soon I plan on addressing some of the other terms that fall under the world of dating and relationships, but aren't a part of the scale, such as the phrase "friends with benefits" -- I hate the way that term sounds -- it sounds to me like someone should be receiving rewards points or frequent flier miles or something...

The best (and worst) idea EVER!

I'm organizing some folks to go to see this. It's looks absolutely hilarious in that terrible sort of way.

http://www.itskaratekidthemusical.com/