Guy rule #327

If a guy is flipping through the channels on his TV, and one of the original three Star Wars movies is playing, he is required to stop and watch the rest of whatever movie is currently playing.

Guy rule #327b: If the movie is on as part of a complete showing of the trilogy, the guy is required to cancel whatever plans he has for the day (or put off going to sleep) and watch until all three movies are complete.

My new company

In the past few months, I've been trying to get back into the habit of going to the gym in the morning. Once I get there, I have no problem working out, it's just getting myself to get out of bed that is the biggest hurdle.

So this has inspired me to form a new company. For only a few bucks a day, our team will come to your house, grab your things for the day, pick you up out of bed and carry you to the gym.

Of course, I'll not only be the president of the company, but I'll also need to be client.

I'm not sure I like what this says about me...

Email from a buddy of mine who shall remain nameless:

Subject: Did you ever read the Tucker Max book?

The most reprehensible, sexist frat boy book ever.

I think you might like it.

The things you see in line

This afternoon I was waiting in line at the drug store and noticed that the woman in front of me was paying for a 12 pack of condoms and a dozen cans of Red Bull.

I feel like I know way too much about that woman's sex life.

Get it out of my head

This afternoon I was in a slow elevator that was playing Air Supply. Now I can't get it out of my head. Isn't there a law against subjecting people that?

This is a sad, sad day.

Extra casual

Yesterday our team had our first scrimmage. While we may be in the "extra casual" football league, we proved at the happy hour afterwards that we're in the "extra competitive" drinking league. We lost the football game but we demolished the competition at Beirut and flip-cup.

We're getting better though. I'm certain that with enough practice during the 8 weeks of the regular season we'll be able to take on the New York Jets. Oh not at football -- at beer pong.

The bachelor (party)

Last night we had my buddy's bachelor party. We didn't hold it at a "gentleman's establishment"... we had it at a strip club. The difference? One tries to have class. The place we went last night didn't try at all.

I even learned something new. Did you know that stripper is a smell? I didn't until this morning, when I picked up my clothes off the floor and noticed the distinct smell of stripper. Its a lot like candy scented body lotion.

And, when it comes down to it, I really think you should support your local strip club - because if you talk to the girls, you'll find they're all in school and need the money for books. Who knows, you might find yourself on a hospital gurney one day, waiting for that quadruple bypass, look up at your surgeon and be like "Cinnamon -- you made it!"

And, since we're on the subject of strippers, just in case you never saw it, here's one of my favorite online articles for your reading pleasure.

http://www.identitytheory.com/insight/bruns9.html

Rogue underwear

All guys have experienced a pair of rogue underwear a few times in their life. This is when you put on a pair of underwear that immediately decides it was a thong in a past life, and makes a b-line for your ass-crack. Sometimes it's not instant -- it waits just long enough for you to leave the house or arrive at work to start making it's advance to the promise land.

This means you must spend the remainder of the day with one hand in your pants pocket, trying to do the discrete weggie-pick. You know, the one that says to those around you, "no, I'm not picking a weggie -- I'm intently searching for some change."

Even worse is when it happens at the gym. It means running with one hand on the treadmill, and the other practically behind you on constant weggie removal duty. The discrete guy (a rare bread) will try and do the awkward long-stride run in hopes that it will remove the weggie on its on. But it never does for more than a second. The moment your legs start moving back, the underwear affixes itself to your ass-crack like a baby kangaroo burrowing into its mother's pouch.

A strange sense of clean

Ever notice that the dentist is the only person you pay for a "cleaning" where you end up with a mouth full of blood? That's an odd definition of clean.

I can't think of anyone else you pay to leave you all bloodied up.

Kev's guide to understanding guys (vol XV)

The dating sweet-spot (noun) - the period between February 10th and February 28th when, because of Valentine's Day, it is easiest for guys to meet and pick-up single women. As a result, single guys everywhere mourn March 1st. It's like the end of our own personal 18 days of Christmas.

Kev's guide to understanding guys (vol XIV)