Kev's wisdom #232

When traveling home from a foreign country, the best way to get rid of your remaining currency is at the airport bar.

My life and times...

I've decided to start writing my biography, which I'm scared may be called, "But Why is the Rum Gone? One Man's Mission to Drink all the Alcohol in Sydney: The Kevin Silverman Story."

I started writing it the other night over a few drinks with friends on the back of three cocktail napkins. In the morning, one was missing, one was smeared with beer having been used as a coaster, and I'm not sure the third was in English.

That said, the next morning I found part of my autobiography in black marker, on my forehead, in reverse.

How tequila works

Tax deductions

When you need a uniform to do you job, you are able to claim the associated costs as a tax deduction.

If you need to constantly drink to do your job, can you expense the associated bar and liquor store charges?

Only in Australia

Only in Australia will your neighbors call you at 5:30 AM to see if loud noises in the hall are coming from your apartment, and when you confirm they aren't, invite you over for a beer, "since you seem to be awake anyway."

Learn from my mistakes

Waking up early on a Saturday morning to view apartments sucks.

Waking up early on a Saturday morning with a hangover to view apartments really sucks.

Man law

If you're out with a few buddies on a work night, and one of them suggests a round of Jagermeister (or Jager-bombs) it's OK to slap him.

Do I know you from somewhere?

Last night, while having drinks with a few friends, we spotted these three girls at the bar who were very obviously trolling for guys. They didn't look very experienced at it based on the fact that their body language screamed "don't approach me" while they tried to make eye-contact with every guy in the bar. One girl looked downright angry.

About an hour into the evening, well after we finished making of fun of the girls from our own table, it was my round to buy drinks, so I pushed into an opening at the bar -- not realizing it was next to these girls. About a 1/2 second after approaching the bar, Angry Girl taps me on the shoulder and asks, "do I know you from somewhere?"

Do I know you from somewhere -- do people seriously still use this line?!? It's about as trite and overused as "come here often?" She should have saved herself the embarrassment and just asked me if I'm a Libra, or if I injured myself when I fell from heaven -- Barely were these words out of my mouth when we discover we were in the same football league.

Who has two thumbs and needs to learn to keep his mouth shut? This guy.

Play it again Sam

Sitting here this morning, head in hands, next to large glass of water and a bottle of Advil while trying to get ready for work, I some how keep coming back to this concept.

I think I need to heed my own advice.

New weight loss regimine

I just discovered the best way to lose weight - go biking hungover. It's that perfect mix of exercise and bulimia.

Bring back that loving feeling

Last night during farewell drinks for a coworker, a few of us serenaded her with the Righteous Brothers' "You've Lost That Loving Feeling," Top Gun style. What worries me isn't that we won't be allowed back at New World Grill (although we probably won't any time soon) but that this is the second time this month that this has happened.

Do they have a 12 step program for this? I'm beginning to it may be a problem.

Effects of drinking early

Yesterday my football team had an early game, so our league sponsored happy hour started considerably earlier than past events. In other words, we started throwing back drinks at 4 PM.

There's something to be said about drinking early. I was sloshed by 8 PM (when we would normally be getting ready to go out). It also means I was hungover by 3 AM (when I would normally be getting home) and totally fine by 8 AM. As a result, I can have a totally productive day.

Extra casual

Yesterday our team had our first scrimmage. While we may be in the "extra casual" football league, we proved at the happy hour afterwards that we're in the "extra competitive" drinking league. We lost the football game but we demolished the competition at Beirut and flip-cup.

We're getting better though. I'm certain that with enough practice during the 8 weeks of the regular season we'll be able to take on the New York Jets. Oh not at football -- at beer pong.

The bachelor (party)

Last night we had my buddy's bachelor party. We didn't hold it at a "gentleman's establishment"... we had it at a strip club. The difference? One tries to have class. The place we went last night didn't try at all.

I even learned something new. Did you know that stripper is a smell? I didn't until this morning, when I picked up my clothes off the floor and noticed the distinct smell of stripper. Its a lot like candy scented body lotion.

And, when it comes down to it, I really think you should support your local strip club - because if you talk to the girls, you'll find they're all in school and need the money for books. Who knows, you might find yourself on a hospital gurney one day, waiting for that quadruple bypass, look up at your surgeon and be like "Cinnamon -- you made it!"

And, since we're on the subject of strippers, just in case you never saw it, here's one of my favorite online articles for your reading pleasure.

http://www.identitytheory.com/insight/bruns9.html

Translating Kevin-ese

Friends,

When we're out together, and you hear me say, "hell yea! Let's get this party started!" please translate that to mean, "no thank you. Shots of Jack Daniels on a Tuesday night are not a good idea. I have work tomorrow. I'll kindly pass."

Please make the jack-hammering in my brain stop,
Kevin

Yet another sign I'm in my guy phase

I've noticed yet another sign that I'm still in my guy phase. I make it to the gym on Saturday mornings before 10AM, but when I'm on the treadmill, I watch cartoons.

Oh, and 4 out of 5 times I'm hungover.

New martial art

I've decided that I'm developing a new martial art to be used after several drinks. I'm calling it Drunken Skunk, Weaving Fool.

I'm not sure about all the moves yet, but it's going to consist of a lot of grabbing motions, and defensive moves for when your vision is so blurred you think you're fighting multiple people. It may also have a few moves that look like the Crane kick from Karate Kid, but are really just to help you keep your balance.

Excedrin Migraine

They should just call it what it really is... Excedrin Hangover.

Another sign you may have a little too much stress in your life

You look in the fridge for breakfast, see an open bottle of wine and, for a fleeting second, having a glass seems like a good idea.