President's Day /Valentines Day overlap

Since Valentines Day it coincides with Presidents Day, does that mean it's appropriate to take my Valentine for hot dogs?

Awesome conversation with my trainer this morning

Best conversation this morning when I told my trainer where my office is located.

Trainer: I used to work as a bouncer a block from there.
Kev: Oh yeah?
Trainer: Yeah. Isn't there a strip club on the corner?
Kev: I think so.
Trainer: The one with little blue lights around the stage.
Kev: I haven't been inside.
Trainer: Me neither.

The second worst five words you can hear in a relationship

Its well documented that the worst five words you can hear in a relationship are "listen, we need to talk"

Only slightly lesser known are the second five worst words you can hear in a relationship: "an all new Project Runway"

The hand lotion double standard

Why is it when a girl moves in with you, it's appropriate to have hand lotion in the bathroom, but when you're a guy living alone, everyone thinks you're a pervert?

The Taco Bell diet

Why don't people get the commercials for the Taco Bell diet? Eating all tacos you'd shed the pounds through massive diarrhea.

How much is that diamond in the window?

Best question/quote of the day I've been asked: "an engagement ring is supposed to cost 2 months salary. Is that pretax or post?"

Realisation

Following an "extremely casual" touch football team in New York from Australia may be one step sadder t... about 15 hours followingFollowing an "extremely casual" touch football team in New York from Australia may be one step sadder than being addicted to fantasy sports. Even if you are the founder of the team.

Another helpful little tip

To the guys out there.

When you walk into a bar, go directly to the Juke box and put on Beyonce's Single Ladies. When it gets to the line "all the single ladies... now put your hands up" they always do.

Save yourself some time.

You're welcome.

Gimme five

Double blind date

I've coined a new phase: double blind date. Like double blind experiments, where neither the doctor or the patient know what the patient is being given, a double blind date is when neither you, nor the person fixing you up has met your date.

Sounds like double the chance she won't even have a great personality.

Related post: semi-blind kind of date

Even more signs of the guy phase

Another sign you're still in your guy phase -- you go to the supermarket, at 10.30 at night, to buy detergent (for that night), chicken breast (for dinner the next day) and a 4 pack of Red Bull (for that weekend).

How tequila works

Kev's rules for guys #327

Don't use the urinal when wearing flip flops.

Just trust me on this one.

What's the etiquette?

While I've argued before that sites like Facebook and MySpace are making dating more difficult (such as when one person changed their status to "in a relationship" before they've had "the conversation"), it is also starting to affect friends of people in said relationship.

For example, a long-time friend was dating this girl for a couple of years, so naturally, we became Facebook Friends (which is like a whole new level of friendship that says "I accept that we get along even though we'll never hang out alone"). Now that they've broken up, should I de-friend her?

And what about ex's -- do you defriend them too? What about if you become actual friends again down the road, do you re-add?

And what about if your friend hasn't de-friended his ex? Do you? What if he has?

These are the questions that keep me up at night.

New words for 2008

Thought these were worth sharing

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!"

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person.

TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

Sex and the Olympics

During dinner tonight with my friend Martha, we came to the conclusion that sex is not unlike the uneven bars event at the Olympics.

You start on the high bar, a few twists, a few turns, and then you move on down to the low bar. Once you've spent enough time down there, you give it one last flip and then dismount (hopefully to thunderous applause).

And if you're really lucky, the French judge gives you a score higher than an 6.4.

A word to the wise

Stay away from the salt and vinegar potato chips on the day you have a cut on your lip. Just trust me on this one.

A- wait for it -mazing

May be the best, guy focused commercial I've seen since mighty wingman.

I'm back

Now that I have internet at home again, I hope to post more often. In the meanwhile, here's the new motivational poster I just ordered for my office.

What's the over/under on if I get fired?

Taking advantage of a 16 hour time difference

The beauty of being a day ahead of your friends is that you can realize that you missed someone's birthday (or Valentines Day/anniversary/Christmas) but still reach them on the right day in their timezone.

It's like having the ability to travel through time without any of the hassle of actually going anywhere.