Kev's guide to understanding guys (vol II)

Trading Up (v) – to stop dating/seeing one person in order to start seeing someone else, perceived as much better/an upgrade

Example:
Kev: How’s it going with Brenda?
Male buddy: I stopped seeing Brenda – I traded up for Heather.
Kev: Ah. How’s it going with Heather?

Levels of responsibility

I have to brag, today I decided to try and take another step on the journey from guy to man by moving up the ladder of responsibility.

By that I mean I bought a plant.

Well, two actually. See I've often said the ladder goes Plants - Pets - Kids. Until now, I've been working on keeping Kevin alive and healthy. Being that I haven't caused myself too much irreparable harm, I'm going to try and move onto plants. My friend Seth says having plants is a lot like having a girlfriend, only I don't remember having to water my last girlfriend and make sure she had enough sunlight. In retrospect, maybe that's why we broke up.

Do I listen to pop music because I’m miserable? Or am I miserable because I listen to pop music?

I’ve been tagged by Lisa at Time to Take The Cyanide Pill. Normally I ignore those e-mail forwards where you fill out personal information about yourself and send it on, but this is different and kind of interesting, so I'll have a go at it....

The total volume of music files on my computer:
Somewhere in the vicinity of five gigs, making decision to buy a six gig iPod mini or a full fledged iPod agonizing. This morning I finally settled on the mini, so now I’m deleting tracks from the Get Up Kids that frankly just suck.

The last CD I bought was:
Uhh, can I plead the 5^th? If we go with full albums, the answer is JustinCase. Honestly, I had a song stuck in my head that I heard on that damn "Sports Club Network" while running on the treadmill that I couldn’t find on iTunes, and well, I just broke. If instead of “CD” we go with “lots of songs by an artist downloaded off iTunes” then the answer becomes a semi-more-respectable Anna Nalick.

Song playing right now:
"Seeing Other People” by Belle and Sebastian. Great song. Didn’t realize for the six months I had it stuck in my head that I was living it. Sometimes the subconscious can be a real bitch.

Five songs I listen to a lot or mean a lot to me, in no particular order:
Okay, I only recently realized that the songs I tend to listen to on repeat one obsessently reflect on what’s going on in my life. I first listed my most recent five and then realized it was WAY more of me than I really wanted to share. So as not to chicken out completely, here are five with some deep meaning – well, to me at least:

“Anna Begins” by Counting Crows. I always come back to it. Different pieces of the song have taken on different meanings over the years. I lost the ability to listen to it for over a year.

“Hey Jealousy” by the Gin Blossoms. Love it, if not only for the middle chorus. It’s another one I come back to at points in my life, and recently I’ve realized that as soon as this makes it back onto a play list, I need to step back and re-evaluate whatever relationship I’m in.

“Hey Ya” by Outkast. Come on, it just rocks. I’m a firm believer that you can’t not be happy after listening to it. Oh, and I like to have a few drinks and lead everyone in it.

“Hands Down” by Dashboard Confessional. Damn you Sheila for getting it stuck in my head for playing it on repeat one in the cubicle next to mine for a year straight. Well, you succeeded, not only did I end up eventually liking the song, but it’s a regular feature on the playlist.

“Mr. Brightside” by the Killers. The current theme song. I tend to be my own worst enemy, and well, it's also kinda catchy.

And while I'm at it, let me just add that if I ever have a bitter, angry breakup, I've already chosen the theme song for it -- "Jude Law and a Semester Abroad" by Brand New. What's better than a song that includes the lyrics "and even if her plane crashes tonight she'll find some way to disappoint me by not burning in the wreckage or drowning at the bottom of the sea"?

Who I am tagging and why?

I’m going to go with three very different personalities to see how they tackle this:

• Sean has very eclectic taste in music – I’d like to see where he goes with this.
• Jay has an interesting take on things.
• And Ryan in the hopes that maybe it convinces him to pick the blog up again. Plus he and I have an interesting background when it comes to our musical choices….

and yes, the title comes from High Fidelity

What I learned this morning

It's hard to walk into the office not strutting your stuff after accidentally waking up to Big Pimpin'. I think I may have scared the receptionist.

This one’s for the ladies

While I’ve realized in my travels that we guys know absolutely nothing about women (except for the fact that flowers are always a good thing), I’ve realized I can further the advancement of dating by providing you ladies with helpful tips about guys, something I’m confidently more well versed in. I’m starting a new reoccurring segment entitled Kev’s Guide to Understanding Guys, in order to help female readers understand the relatively simple creatures that we are. My hope is that perhaps if I can help you better understand us, it will somehow further our own cause of getting closer to you.

Today’s Kev’s Guide to Understanding Guys is a vocabulary lesson -- the male phrase “Full Boat.”

Full Boat (n) – descriptive term to mean your dating rotation is completely filled (sometimes described as a “full ship”). It can either be full due to multi-tasking or extended focus on a single female (sometimes referred to by women as “a relationship”)

Example 1:

Kevin: I want to fix you up with one of my coworkers. I think you would really get along.
Kev’ Male Buddy: Thanks, but I’m driving a full ship right now.

Example 2:

“I’ve got a full boat right now, but I might offload some cargo on Tuesday.”

Maybe it's time to rethink my career

An excerpt from my review:

"Kevin is a talented PR professional -- he could tell you to go to hell in such a nice way that you would actually look forward to the trip."

Employee relations

A humorous excerpt from a call I received just past 2AM.

Kevin: Uh, hello?
Completely insane friend with no sense of time*: Hey, it's me.
K (sitting up, still in a daze, turning on the bedside light and checking the clock): You know its past two in the morning?
CIFWNST: Oh yeah, I know. It's just that... I need your help.
K: You need my help falling asleep?
CIFWNST: No. Some advice. You see... I, er, how can I put this? I slept with my boss. It's just that you're good at these things...
K: At sleeping with my boss?
CIFWNST: Er, no...
K:I haven't checked in a bit, but no, I'm pretty sure I haven't done that.
CIFWNST: Not exactly what I meant.
K: I mean, he's a pretty cool guy and all, and I like working with him a lot... it's just, well...
CIFWNST: Yes?
K: I usually go for someone a little more female.
CIFWNST: No, not at sleeping with your boss.
K: At sleeping? I'm pretty sure I was just doing that a moment ag--
CIFWNST: No at spin. How do I, uh, handle the situation?

It went on from there. A note to my friends -- I'm glad to help you out, but if its not life or death, call with your PR problems in the morning -- the much later morning.

*Not a friend from work, or even my industry

Bar wisdom

Building a relationship is like building a fire. It needs a strong foundation to last, it needs enough air to breath and ensure the fire keeps burning and stick a log in the wrong place, you hopefully only get your hand burned.

Star f#*king

So a few weekends ago, while out with the guys at a local bar, we bumped into Kimmy Gibbler from Full House. Being that we’re guys, and live in New York, we have an ongoing contest to see who can hook up with the most prominent and/or obscure celebrity. So immediately all eyes locked on Kimmy.

Jeremy lay down the stakes: 10 bucks, from each of us, to the first guy who could get her number, it rose to $15 if you hooked up with her that night, and jumped to $25 per person if you could do it before Sweet Caroline came on the jukebox. Unfortunately in conversation we learned she was married. Personally, it was no skin off my back considering it left me in first place, having kissed the girl who played Janice in Head of the Class (front row) during a game of Spin the Bottle when I was 12.

Meeting etiquette

I’d like to take a minute to talk to all the bosses and supervisors out there – or really anyone with the authority to call a meeting. I want to address something that I believe is a growing problem in our society: lack of meeting etiquette.

I’m not talking about how people act or behave in meetings – I don’t care about that. I’m talking about the hours during which people decide to hold meetings. Why do my bosses feel the need to have meetings and conference calls at 9:00 AM? I know I’m supposed to be in by then each morning, and two, maybe three days a month I actually am, but to expect me to participate in a meeting and to have well thought out ideas at a time when I’m lucky to be able to pick out socks that match or speak English fluently is asking a lot. Having me participate in a meeting at 9:00 AM is like asking a thief to break into a crowded bank during peak hours – it’s just not something I do.

Also, what’s up with holding meetings at noon or even 12:30? That’s just plain rude. I tell you what, if you can speak louder than the sounds my stomach makes when I’m hungry, then go ahead and be my guest – just don’t ask me to pay attention. At noon I’m thinking about only one thing: what I’m going to eat for lunch. Once my boss asked me what I thought about the budget and I responded, “Oh, it’ll cover a bowl of soup and a chicken parm panini.”

And lastly why does anyone think they can actually hold a productive meeting at 5:00 PM. You’ll get about as much feedback and bright ideas if you hold the meeting with corpses dug up from a local cemetery instead. And in the case of some coworkers, the corpses might actually smell better.

Thanks insomnia!

Thanks to insomnia, here’s a list of things I accomplished between the hours of 5:00 AM and 9:00 AM this morning:

- Balanced checkbook
- Ironed shirt
- Looked back over checkbook after realization that decimals actually matter
- Wrote poem entitled, “Ode to Ambien, if Only I had some”
- Went to the gym, completed regular workout regimen
- Looked at watch, ran additional 3.5 miles
- Came home, cooked breakfast
- Gave checkbook another look, realized that carrying 10’s matters
- Called my sister (15 hour time difference)
- Revised poem, briefly considered career as a poet, scrapped idea and promptly deleted poem
- Still successfully managed to roll into work late

Relationships and that chick in the Eve video

This weekend I had a conversation with a buddy of mine (during the Miami-Washington game) about his getting into a relationship with one of the two girls he's dating (and breaking up with the other). It serves as a perfect microcosm of male thoughts on dating:

Friend: Kev, its a relationship, people are bound to get hurt.
Kevin: Yes, but Lisa's not the one you're getting in the relationship with.
Friend: Collateral damage.
Kevin: Fair enough.

I'm pretty sure the female version of this conversation would have lasted several hours, involved analysis of every conversation the two have ever had and was not immediately followed by a much longer, much more in-depth discussion about "that chick in the music video with Eve."

Ironing naked after a few glasses of wine...

Don't do it. Just trust me on this one. No matter how much of a good idea it may seem at the time, it's not worth the possible burns.

Great, even my TiVo knows

A friend of mine recently landed her first part on a soap opera. Not wanting to miss her debut performance, I told my TiVo to record "All My Children." What I forgot, is that my TiVo takes what I tell it to record and suggests other programs it thinks I might like. In the past two days it's suggested "As the World Turns," "Trading Spaces" and, in what I believe is a karmic kick-in-the-pants, "A Wedding Story."

Great. Even my TiVo knows that my manhood has been revoked. To get it back on track, I'm having it record all sorts of manly things -- Top Gun, Gladiator, a boxing match between two Czechoslovakians I've never even heard of, some A-Team reruns and some competition at 3AM where a guy tries to saw through a tree with his teeth.

Regrettably, it has come to our attention…

A couple of days ago, a friend who is getting married asked me a question I couldn’t answer. To help him out I looked up the answer on TheKnot.com. Well, this morning I received a letter letting me know that just for knowing about the Web site, not even for visiting it, my manhood was officially revoked.

Apparently I can appeal to get it back, but the process has something to do with crushing beer cans on my forehead and rotating the tires of a pick-up truck.

When I relayed this story to a buddy of mine, he reminded me that this isn’t the first time I’ve gotten my status in trouble. Back in 2000, just after the whole ballot counting election fiasco, I got a letter from an attorney in Florida who was suing to reinstate my virginity. Apparently I had only dimpled the chad…

Take your sons and daughters to work day

The other day it was “take your sons and daughters to work day,” and I have to say, I’m not a fan. I don’t need someone’s 8-year old kid questioning every little thing I do -- my boss already does that.

When the cats are away, the mice will have wine and cheese parties

So my parents, who live only a few blocks away from me, went on vacation, and it’s made me realize how old I’ve become. When I was a sophomore in high school and my parents went away it meant I could throw a party. When I was a senior in high school and they went on vacation it meant my girlfriend could stay over. Now that I’m 26 and have my own place – well, now it means I get excited because I can use their washer/dryer.