Equality for all, but less for me

I decided recently that I'm no longer an advocate for the equality of men and women. Don't get me wrong, I think women should be paid equal wages as men, and should be afforded the same career opportunities as men, I just feel that we men don't need to be offered all the same opportunities as you women.

Let me explain. Recently I attended a "Jack and Jill" baby shower, a "Jack and Jill" bridal shower (men: "Jack and Jill" somehow means that you have to go, too) and was dragged along to help pick out bridesmaid dresses as a part of someone's wedding party. Guys, if you ever have the opportunity to do any of the above, pass. There's only so much "oohhhing" and "ahhhhing" we guys can do before we want to swallow the cyanide capsule. If I were ever taken prisoner behind enemy lines, and my captors really wanted to make me talk, they would open lots of baby clothes and flatware in front of me, and ask what I think about backless dresses in the color peach (I don't like them, by the way).

I guess I miss the old days when, for weddings, all we guys had to do was take part in the debauchery that is the batchelor party and make sure we don't show up too hungover (or worse, still drunk) to the wedding, and if your friend had a baby, you just had to visit with cigars and make sure the baby isn't yours.

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Follow-up:

Speaking of swallowing the cyanide capsule, apparently it's not just us guys contemplating taking our own lives at these godforsaken events.