What I learned while sick at home

So I spent the past few days quarantined in my home while recovering from being sick. Those of you who know me know that I’m not a very good patient, and that I don’t do cooped up at home very well. So, if you think you may be getting sick, I put together the following list of the top five things I learned while sick at home:

5. Billy, Erika’s boyfriend is going to receive quite a shock on Monday when he learns that Adam, her third husband has come out of his fourth coma and is out for revenge.

4. If you’ve been injured in a car accident, there are numerous firms available to help you get the cash reward you deserve, y sí, hablan español. I already checked - they won’t defend you if you received injury from hitting a parked car.

3. If you try hard enough, you can find Law and Order on some channel at all times.

2. Sally Struthers doesn't seem to be trying to get donations for children from Africa anymore. I’m afraid it’s not that they don’t need aid anymore; it’s that she ate them all.

And the most important thing I learned while home sick…

1. Gremlins is a scary-ass movie when you’re on prescription narcotics. I’m still certain one of Gizmo’s babies popped out of the TV and landed behind my couch. At night, when the sun sets (and usually right after my evening dose of medication) you can hear him say "Mogwai."