Lesson learned

No mater how much you love being on the water, kayaking while recovering from a stomach flu is a bad idea.

Its not me, its you. Or is it the other way around?

We've reached that part of the summer where numerous relationships seem to take a turn for the worst. It's a part of the dating cycle -- the way a lot of relationships start in the spring and many end between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I think the "Summer Break," as I've started to call it, has something to do with the oppressively hot weather -- there's just nothing more replusive than someone touching you when its 90 degrees outside with 80 percent humidity.

Lately I've observed a number relationships falling victim to the "summer break," so I thought I'd try and give some helpful advice. Sorry guys, I stand by the fact that I know nothing about women, except for the fact that I think they tend to use more hair products on the whole than we do. I can, however, speculate about guys, a topic I'm confident I know slightly more about, although lately I've been finding that they amaze me in new ways every day (this realization usually is followed by the phrase, "he actually said that to you?" or "he really thought making out with your friend was a good way to get your attention?").

So here's a little lesson that my friend Jen recently came into as well, so I thought I'd share: ladies, the more you push us away, the more we like you. Yes, you heard me right. I'm not saying you should downright ignore us - we need to know you're interested, but you need to appeal to our hunter-gatherer roots. Show us some interest, then push us away. We love the thrill of the hunt, (some of us even more than others, but that's a whole 'nother column and probably several hours on a therapist's couch onto itself) and once we get a glimpse that you're going to be a pursuable challenge, we're all about accepting.

Case in point - I had a girl stalk me for about six weeks. Besides the fact that I was kind of involved with someone else at the time, not to mention slightly scared for my wellbeing when she constantly showed up everywhere I went, I wanted nothing to do with her. Of course the moment she moved on and started seeing someone else, I was all about her.

So what's the lesson? Show us you're interested, give us a hint we can get you, and then let us chase you. Trust me, it'll work.

And since I must have forwarded this quote at least six times already this week, I may as well post it online. It's for those ladies who may be dealing with guys who don't know how to send clear signals, won't commit to a relationship, or perhaps tell you something to the effect of "it's not the distance, but the proximity" that makes being together impossible (whatever the hell that means). It's yet another from the BBC's Coupling, when Susan breaks up with her boyfriend Steve:

“Men, and I don’t mean to generalize, are crap! They’re the human race’s only failed gender. Who needs them? And why are they so difficult to keep hold of? Do you think they realize, that not were it for the genetic imperative to populate the Earth, they wouldn’t get a date? That’s one hell of an inducement. No pressure girls but shag one of these or its curtains for all human kind. That’s harassment.”

About a day too late, boys

I received a CNN alert last night that NASA has grounded the space shuttle program. Do you think they realize that they have one up there right now?!?

Thanks, NYPD

In the wake of the London bombings, the New York Police Department issued guidelines as to what New Yorkers are supposed to look for in spotting potential suicide bombers. The list includes watching for: "excessive sweating," "clenched fists," "inappropriate clothing for the season" "smelling like chemicals" and my personal favorite, "chanting or mumbling to oneself."

I'm sorry, but that sounds like about half the people I ride the subway with every day in mid-July.

I also love how, while the new city "random bag checks" on the subway follow the NYPD's guidelines to avoid profiling, every guy who looks even remotely Arabic gets his bag checked. Super job there guys.

Silverman's rules on dating #106

This one may sound like a no brainer, but it could use a little reiterating:

Guys, if you go through the trouble of putting together a romantic evening, do something sweet for a lady-friend or take her somewhere nice and special, and she's kind enough to comment on it, never, ever, under any circumstances, reply with "my ex really liked it, too ."

And a little follow up...

Should she complement you on something you're skilled at in the bedroom, it is never wise to reply with, "I've had a lot of practice."

Shari still needs a liver

Please spread the word- we're still looking for a full liver from a non-living donor. Blood type A or O. - Visit http://www.liverforalife.com for updated information

Seasonal affect disorder

I've noticed that I, as well as other male friends, get these little, reoccurring crushes on a few select girls. When it sets in, I'm forced to go through the same process of reminding myself why I quickly got over it in the first place, by either spending some time with them, rereading old email or looking through the photo album, where I finally hit that realization that goes something like, "oh, now I remember, it's because she's completely insane."

I've decided to name this phenonon our own "Seasonal Affect Disorder." Makes it so much easer to say, "yeah, I'm dealing with that SAD crush again. Give me two days, it'll pass."

Time is running out - your help still needed

Thanks to everyone who has helped to spread the word. But we have been successfuly in identifying a donor (it needs to be someone deceased). The media response has been tremendous, including mention on CBS This Morning and this great article in The New York Daily News and a segment running tonight in New York on Fox 5 at 10 pm. But we still need help!

Please help spread the word - it doesn't matter what state you live in
If you have a blog, please include a mention
We still need to find a donor

For updates on Shari, please visit http://www.liverforalife.com/

Thanks,

Kevin

Please help save my colleague's life

I'm taking a break from comedy for a moment to reach out to everyone in the hopes that we might be able to help an absolutely lovely colleague of mine who is in a very grave situation. The story is in the press release below, but we're trying to get out word and find a liver donor in the next few days, or she will die. Any help you can provide on spreading the word would be greatly appreciated.

For up to date information, please visit http://helpshari.typepad.com/

Potential donors must be Type A or Type O blood. Anyone wanting to help Shari with a liver transplant referral should call: 877-223-3386 or email: liverforalife@yahoo.com

Please help us spread the word

------

LOCAL PR AGENCIES ASK FOR HELP TO SAVE LIFE OF COLLEAGUE IN DIRE NEED OF LIVER TRANSPLANT

31-Year-Old Shari Kurzrok Will Die Unless She Receives Liver Within Days

NEW YORK (July 20, 2005) – Shari Kurzrok is two months away from her wedding. The 31-year-old PR executive recently spearheaded the largest-ever national blood drive. Today, she is fighting for her life. Her doctors say she will not live if she doesn’t receive a liver transplant within days, and her colleagues in the PR industry are urgently mobilizing to help her.

“I just pray that what Shari has loved to do for a living comes back to help her,” says her fiancée Robby Schnall, 35, a marketing executive at Cole Haan. Their wedding is planned for October 15 at Woodbury Jewish Center in Long Island.

Shari’s sudden illness has taken her family, friends and doctors by surprise. She was admitted to New York University Medical Center last weekend, and within 24 hours she was told she needed a liver transplant to save her life. Her illness is still unexplained.

Kym White, managing director of Ogilvy Public Relations Worldwide, says the news has shaken Shari’s colleagues and friends, as well as the extended communications industry. All are quickly rallying to spread the word through PR and advertising in order to draw attention to Shari’s plight. “Shari is a phenomenal friend and colleague, and it is hard to imagine that someone who only recently led the largest-ever blood donor initiative for the American Red Cross with such energy and enthusiasm, is now in vital need of a liver donation.”

Shari led the 345-city Save-a-Life-Tour, which featured two convoys that traveled across the country to raise awareness about the importance of regular blood donation and to attract new donors including a younger and more ethnically diverse demographic. The campaign collected more than 3.2 million pints of blood and registered more than 38,000 new potential donors. Kamenna Lee, Director, Sales & Marketing for the American Red Cross, said, "Shari poured her heart, soul and life into one of our largest initiatives and truly helped save lives. I urge the public to help Shari the way she helped so many people."

Shari is a native of Great Neck, Long Island, and the daughter of Gloria and Mort Kurzrok. Her father says, “This is a race against time. We want to draw attention not only to Shari’s cause, but also to the urgent, ongoing need that challenge families like us every day.”

Potential donors must be Type A or Type O blood. Anyone wanting to help Shari with a liver transplant referral should call: 877-223-3386 or email: liverforalife@yahoo.com

If it doesn't fit in the overhead compartment, you're going to have to check that, ma'am

I've been finding lately that friends of mine, when making the journey into relationshiphood, have been looking over an important factor when preparing for their trip: they often forget to do a basic GBA, or General Baggage Assessment. Determining someone GBA can be a helpful tool in determining how your relationship is going to turn out.

To aid you on your journey, I'm going to share a patented, scientific tool I developed some years back in assessing a potential relationship's baggage level.

GBA - General Baggage Assessment

1) Start with the number of long-term relationships the person has had
2) Multiply that number by the cumulative number of years the person has spent in serious relationships
3) Divide by two to account for recovery period
4) Factor in any "special circumstances" using the scale below:
- If dumped from most recent relationship over one year: Multiply by 2
- If the person immediately afterwards remained friends with their ex: Add 3
- If the relationship ended due to a death: Multiply by 5
- If the person received therapy after the relationship ended, had a rebound relationship, extracted a measure of revenge on their ex, or received other assistance in recovering: Subtract 3 for each form of help
5) Lastly, subtract the number of years since the person's last long-term relationship

The number remaining is a person's GBA.

Interpreting the score:
Negative number: No baggage, no opportunity to earn it (aka - day tripper with only a briefcase). Fear of comittment issues galore, general lack of relationship experience. Often a relationship is the furthest thing from their mind.

Between 1-5: Small amount of baggage (aka carry on luggage and a personal item only). You can safely enter the relationship without worries or fear. The person is generally well adjusted and ready to move on.

Between 6-10: Average load (aka carry on and one piece of checked luggage) - This person has the average load of baggage. They've been in long-term relationships before and know the score, but have generally recovered. They may have their touchy points left over, or certain songs they prefer not to listen to, but they're generally safe and don't let these issues rear their heads too often.

11+: Lots of baggage (aka steamertrunk) - This person is not ready for a relationship, and may or may not know it. They may exhibit highly unstable tendencies such as calling at 2 AM to make sure you haven't picked up and moved to Detroit without phoning, or starting to cry in the middle of a restaurant because it reminds him/her of a similar restaurant he/she once went to with the ex, four days before their two month anniversary.

And remember, it's not about necessarily about finding the person with the lowest score, it's about finding someone in the same category. No one want to lug around someone else's excess baggage.

My parent's 30th anniversary

Celebrating your parent's wedding anniversary is a bit strange, as you feel a little like you're celebrating the fact that you exist.

A open note to the person I share a wall with who insists on playing Kenny G all day

What did I ever do to you to deserve this torture?

It's like being on hold for 8-hours a day. I haven't checked with my lawyer yet, but I'm pretty sure in some states this constitutes crewel and unusual punishment.

Please, please, please... make the bad man stop.

Evite

I used to think it was a good idea to measure my popularity by the number of evites I received. Of course, this was when I had eight upcoming events. Now that I have none, I'm beginning to rethink the idea.

Fantastic article

Why the Fantastic 4 Human Torch ATV (with Light-Up Headlights!) is the Worst Movie Tie-In Toy Ever

by Wm. Steven Humphrey



Children are not idiots. Okay, most of them are idiots. Nevertheless, children still deserve our respect. Okay, they don't deserve any respect. But even so, I would not wish the Fantastic 4 Human Torch™ ATV (with Light-Up Headlights!) toy on my worst child enemy--and, believe me, I have many. Why? Because of the thousands of movie tie-in toys produced in the world every year --from Batman action figures to Darth Vader helmets to Lord of the Rings crossbows-- there has never been a more ridiculously stupid and insulting toy than the Fantastic 4 Human Torch™ ATV (with Light-Up Headlights!). And this is why:

The Human Torch has no need for an "All-Terrain Vehicle"--because the last time I checked, the Human Torch can fucking FLY.

Has anyone told the Human Torch that it might not be safe to sit on top of a gas tank when one is on FIRE? Nice message to send the kids, assholes!

As you know, the Fantastic 4 lives and works in New York City--where driving an ATV is ILLEGAL. According to section 4-14, subsection 1 of the NYC municipal traffic code: "In order to provide for the maximum safe use of the expressways, drives, highways, interstate routes, bridges, and thruways, and to preserve life and limb thereon, the use of such highways by pedestrians, riders of horses, and operators of limited use vehicles [ATVs] and bicycles is prohibited." (Yes, I actually looked this up.)

The Fantastic 4 Human Torch™ ATV also has "light-up headlights!" Good thing, because there's nothing more useless than "dark-down headlights."

What does the freaking Human Torch need with headlights anyway? HE'S ON FIRE!

ATVs are exclusively for assholes and rednecks. I know, this has nothing to do with the Human Torch riding an ATV, but this guy who lives down the block from me is constantly ripping around our neighborhood on one of these stupid four-wheelers--and without a helmet, no less! So basically, this is just to let him know, I think he's an asshole and a redneck.

The Fantastic 4 Human Torch™ ATV has Spider-Man™ hubcaps. Hey toymakers, if saving money by recycling an unsuccessful Spider-Man ATV is all you're interested in, why not just line up the children of the world and piss in their mouths?

And Spider-Man doesn't need an ATV, either!!

Best pre-flight safety instructions EVER

As overheard on a Virgin Blue flight...

"If the cabin looses presureatation and oxygen masks fall from the ceiling, once you've finished screaming, pull snugly on the safety mask and place over your nose and mouth to start the flow of oxygen"

Finally, a flight attendant who got it right. I hate how those damn safety videos have everyone looking calm and bored while their plane is doing down, moving into their safety positions like it's a chore. Personally, if my flight is going nose first towards the ground, the only safety position I'm going to assume is the one where I stand up, spread my legs, bend over and kiss my ass goodbye.

Seriously, have you ever heard of a plane landing in the water? Of course not, because it can't. They spend so much time preparing you for "the unlikely event of a water landing" when instead they should just show you the crash scene from Cast Away, so you can note what it is Tom Hanks did to be the only person to survive the flight.

Legal Disclaimer

Recently there’s been a lot of news coverage and discussion of people who have been fired or sued because of their blogs. Having neither the desire to be sued OR fired, I’ve decided it’s time to include a legal disclaimer. So below is my new legal disclaimer, as written by my lawyer and modifyed by myself to fit the uh, "voice" of my site.

Kevsmusings.blogspot.com (herein “Kev’s Musings”) is intended for entertainment purposes only (if you can call it that). All opinions, ideas, thoughts, rants, theories or other nonsense expressed on this Web site reflect the opinions of their author (generally, that's me unless otherwise stated), and do not represent the views of any parties linked by or to this site, the company that hosts it, anyone who employs me (Kevin loves working - please don’t fire me) or anyone else for that matter. Hell, opinions expressed on this Web site might not even be mine. Mike says stuff all the time that he doesn’t mean, and everybody loves it. Maybe I can get away with that, too. But probably not.

Also, any situations described or stories included may be fictionalized or embellished for entertainment purposes. Yes, it's true, I even make up a little something every once in awhile.

No, you cannot use my questionable theories for your term paper. You can try and use me as a reference, but I'm sure it won't fly with your professor.

ARTICLES
Kev’s Musings is not responsible for the accuracy or application of the material presented herein which includes images, photos and other related material and resources.

INDEMNIFICATION
By use of this site, you agree not to hold Kev’s Musings and its author responsible for any claim, demand, or damage (including reasonable attorneys' fees) asserted by myself or any third party due to or arising out of your use of or conduct of this site.

Wow, that's a long sentence.

Further, you agree not to hold Kev's Musings or its author responsible for any damage or irreprehensible harm following the advice contained in its pages may bring to any of your personal or romantic relationships.

SITE CONTENT/COPYRIGHT ISSUES
Most images, text and other forms of content on Kev’s Musings are assumed to be public domain and legitimate for posting. Some copyrighted materials are referenced, and their copyrights are respected in each context. Any copyrighted material used on this site is strictly for parody and entertainment use, and in no way is used to generate revenue or sales of any kind.

If you feel there is any material, images or otherwise, that have infringed on any standing copyrights, trademarks, patents or any other intellectual property, please contact me as soon as possible for prompt removal.

EXTERNAL LINKS
This site is scattered with links to other sites. Kev’s Musings is not responsible for the practices or content of these Web sites. All I can say is that I try to keep them tasteful. This isn't some college humor site that links to soft porn Web sites. You will not find the Paris Hilton video linked to my site. Should you feel any of the links are otherwise, please contact me for dispute.

CONTACTING KEV'S MUSINGS
If you have any questions at all about this site, write me at ksilverman@gmail.com

In closing, please don't sue or fire me. Remember, every time you think of suing or firing me, God kills a kitten.

And now, to alleviate any potentially frustrated visitors, here's a really cute puppy.

- Kevin

Epiphany

Watching the sunrise over Jordan and the Dead Sea after hiking up Mt. Masada is beautiful. Watching the sunrise from your bedroom window on zero sleep, the day you're returning to work after three weeks of vacation because your body is convinced night is day, is not.

Maybe it's a gift, or a sign from above

I should probably preface this with saying I haven't worked out or eaten well in the month I've been away from home.

So I got back today from Australia, vowing to get back in the workout regimen and to start eating right again (okay, to eat better than I have been over the last month, for those who have seen my diet at home and would challenge me that I "eat right") . So I step on my scale, complete with body fat monitor, brace myself, and what does it say? It says "low battery" and turns itself off.

Great. I've gone and broke the bloody scale.