Silverman’s laws of business #173

It doesn’t matter how much you’ve rehearsed. You can understand their product and communications platform inside and out. You can know the industry and have confidence oozing out your ears – but the moment you walk into that new business pitch, even before you get started, you know the moment you see your ex-girlfriend’s father sitting at the head of the table that you’re not getting the business.

Kevin's law

I think the government needs to pass a new consumer protection law that would require clothing companies to put a tag identifying anything they make that is Navy Blue. This way you could avoid wearing blue socks when you wear black pants.

I'm missing some time from last night

I had one of those mornings where you wake up not quite sure what you did the night before and realize there’s a stranger in your bed – only when I looked over I was lying next to a llama.
No, it’s not what you’re thinking. I’m not saying I woke up next to a woman who was so unattractive she looked like a barnyard animal – I mean I woke up in bed with an actual llama. I’m not sure if it was a bet or something, but if it was, I better have won. Oh, and be entitled to a LOT of money.

It was so awkward. When I awoke, she was licking my cheek in this really affectionate way – I hope she didn’t get the wrong idea. I don’t know how to have the conversation with her that I’m not really looking for a relationship right now. I mean, I’m just not into interspecies dating – I need to think about the future. I don’t want my kids to have hooves or a tail. Plus, working in PR, how would it look when I have to bring her to client dinners and black-tie events? I walk in, wearing my tux, and pulling my date by her leash, the bell around her neck clanking as she trots. I can see my colleagues and clients now, “oh look, there’s Kevin, and uh, his llama.”

It was so embarrassing – this farmer came to pick her up. There I was, in my bathrobe, trying to pretend nothing happened. He’s telling me that she keeps doing this, running off with guys from the city. At one point he even threatened me, saying she was under age or something.

Come to think about it, I didn’t even get her name…

You know you're a 20-somethings guy when...

...you've Febrezed socks before going out.

Partnership for a teen free America

Good Morning America had a representative on the show this morning from Partnership for a Drug Free America talking about how to recognize if your teen is on drugs.

Signs included:

• Withdrawn from family
• Moody
• Depressed

I'm sorry, but aren't those the qualities of EVERY teenager in America?

Misunderstanding leads to quote of the day

"What? John Ratzenberger was elected Pope? Didn't he play Cliff on Cheers?"

Some additional thoughts on being at my job for three years

1) Other than basic hygiene, I can't think of anything I've done consistently for three years

2) I've been at this company for longer than I've sustained any relationship

3) There are some felony crimes I could have committed, been tried for, convicted of and served my entire prison sentence in LESS time than I've been with the firm

Doubly blessed

After mailing my taxes in this morning, including checks to both the federal and state governments (who is this Fica guy anyway?) I got into the office and was greeted by an e-mail notifying me that today is my three year anniversary at the company. Apparently I’ve been here so long that I now qualify for stock options. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. It’s the equivalent of having been in Alcatraz long enough to know all the guards on a first name basis and have a little influence over what's served in the cafeteria.

Headline of the day

"Alex Trebek sued over missing horse"

This begs to be included in Jeopardy - I can see it now...

The category: Things We've Reached
The question: What is a new low?

I get myself in trouble from time to time...

Sometimes I just can’t keep my inner-monologue to myself. The other night at a party I was talking to a girl who said, “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.”

I replied, “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.”

Gentlemen, something to remember

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Apparently I have high standards

I was out the other night with a couple of my buddies, looking to meet women. My friends, being good guys, kept point out girls to me that they thought I’d like, who I kept dismissing right off the bat. Then my friends had the nerve to suggest that my standards are just too high.

I disagree. Is it asking too much to meet a woman who has two arms, two legs, preferably both eyes AND all her fingers? I mean, it would be nice if she had at least the majority of her toes, on each foot, but that’s negotiable. I guess I could budge there.

I blame my friends for my recent lack of meeting women who are up to my standards. I mean, do we always have to cruise for chicks at amputee rehabilitation centers? Maybe just once we could go to a bar or a party or something.