I love the 80's 3-D

As much as I loved "I Love the 80's" and "I Love the 80's Strkes Back" I just can't get into "I Love the 80's 3-D." There's just something about having Michael Ian Black appearing in my living room that really freaks me out and makes me slightly uncomfortable.

Groucho Marx syndrome

Groucho Marx once said, "I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." Well, I've decided that many guys in my age-range have the equaliviant -- we'd never date anyone who would have us as boyfriends.

I call it Groucho Marx Syndrome. It's for guys who suffer from what my college roommate used to used to call those "tell-me-that-you-love-me-oh-you-do-well-see-you-later" kind of feelings.

Sorry ladies, it goes back to our cave-man roots. We like the thrill of the hunt. Once we've got what we're looking for, we're conditioned to start the whole process all over again.

Why, God, why?

Why is it that your parents always call first thing in the morning only after you've stayed out all night?

After you've blown it

I love it when religion turns to unintentional porn...

Unintentional penis on religious book called "After You've Blown It"

By Mark Frauenfelder

Mark Frauenfelder: fd says: "The full title of the book is 'After You've Blown It: Reconnecting with God and Others.' The cover art shows what can only be described as a man standing on a gigantic penis in front of puckered lips.

"The publisher, Multnomah, has already changed the cover art on the book, converting the penis into a cliff

"Amazon has updated their cover art when you click 'Search inside this book' but their product page thumbnail still shows the old image."

And then again, maybe not

Nope, I was wrong. Here comes that hangover. If there's a God, s/he hates hubris.

The morning in which Kevin finds religion

Yesterday afternoon I was told that I'll be meeting a new client this morning.

Being the professional that I am, I wasn't about to let this career-moment stop me from going to celebrate BJ's birthday last night. It was going to be a quick drink. One round and I was going to leave.

Yeah, right.

The rounds flowed. We did shots (because that's always a great idea on a Wednesday). Some of the drinks were on fire. I was sexually-harassed by my friend's Fiancée’s Aunt Didi. Repeatedly. At some point the waiter started bringing me more Stella without even asking. We sang into people's voice mail. Aunt Didi stole our mobiles to let everyone know that she was going to have both Jim and I naked at the wedding. I got home late, mildly trashed and/or retarded.

My belief in a kind and benevolent God kicked in around 7:00 am this morning when my alarm went off. I opened my eyes and realized -- somehow I'm not hung over.

I know what you are thinking, and no, I'm not still drunk. It's divine intervention -- somehow God turned my beer into Pepto and my cheese fries into Advil. That's a miracle in my book.

Sort-of an ex

I've noticed that my twenties-somethings friends and I, who haven't settled into a relationship have reached something of a semantic quagmire when describing those people we are no longer seeing. What do you call someone you dated for an extended period of time, but never considered a "girlfriend" or "boyfriend?" How do you convey to someone in a title that you spent more than just a few dates with them, but were never "together?"

Mike likes to call them "ex's" because it he feels like it resonates better with his target audience (women) than when he describes the person as, "this girl I used to bang." I can't fault that logic -- no argument there.

Another buddy, who I promised would remain nameless, also likes to call them "ex's" because he feels like it makes him sound like less of a commitment-phoeb by having a recent ex -- he just leaves out the part that they broke up because he didn't want to get into a committed relationship with the girl.

Personally, I've been leaning towards "sort-of an ex." I feel like "ex" is a term reserved for those who held the position of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" -- kind of like how Presidents and Generals always get to keep their title. However, in my book, if she didn't put in the full service time, she hasn't earned the title. I figure if I use "sort-of an ex" and follow it up by looking a little sad (and maybe breaking eye contact for a bit) I'll never need to really explain what it means.

The breakup hangover

I've noticed that dealing with a breakup is a lot like having a hangover. The more you notice how bad you feel, the worse it becomes. On the other hand, if you acknowledge it, get yourself some greasy food and -- no matter how much you may not want to -- a little of the hair of the dog that bit you (in this case, instead of a little gin, it's meeting someone new) you can bounce back more quickly.

Happy birthday

My parents called me this morning to wish me a happy birthday, during which my dad said, "do you realize when I was your age, you were four years old?"

Wow, thanks dad! I wonder if he realizes that I'm having trouble just keeping plants alive...

And that folks was the introduction to my late-twenties.

Some additional Friendster issues

Always fascinated by the world of dating and sending signals (I was an interpersonal communications major in college, the bug is still with me), I've been wondering how "Friendster" plays into the role of dating in the current age, besides being a relationship catalyst. Some questions for the folks out there:

• If you start seeing somebody and then "friendster" them, is that a sign that you just want to be friends?
• If you stop seeing someone whom you've "friendstered," does proper etiquette dictate that you "de-friendster" them, or is that just cruel?
• Is it okay to signal to someone that you want to stop seeing them by "de-friendstering" them?

Responses not to use when someone says "I love you"

• That's nice
• Why would you go and say a thing like that?
• Yeah, right
• And I love Amy -- see the problem?
• No, seriously...
• Thanks, I think
• Oh shit -- I was about to dump you
• Can't we talk about this?
• (Chuckling) No. No you don't

And my new personal favorite:

• Okay, you have two choices: 1) I can lie and tell you, "I love you too" or 2) I can gracefully dodge the prompt to reply, letting you read into and overanalyze to death the fact that I never said anything back. The decision is yours -- I'll give you a few seconds to think it over. Let me know if you want me to hum the jeopardy music.

Treating the problem or just the symptoms?

I'm not really sure you're treating the problem when you triple your plan to accommodate your drunken text-messaging habit.

Either way, if you're in my phone, expect even more "mobile musings." I just can't promise they'll be at a decent hour. Or even coherent, for that matter.

Off to a great start

There's nothing worse than taking an overcrowded subway to work when you're overtired and hungover as a bastard.... except for of course when you're also the "random" search by police in the station.

Welcome to Friday -- it's going to suck

Why is it that three hours of sleep seems like such a good idea on Thursday night (using "night" loosely) after several drinks, but such a bad idea Friday morning when the alarm is going off?

This is getting ridiculous

Just got my second birthday card of the year. This one was signed "from your friends at American Express."

Now I know I spend too much money.

The coffee date

You never get lucky after a coffee date. It's because coffee makes you want to be productive. Unlike tequilla, after doing shots of espresso, you never feel an intese desire to shag -- you maybe feel an intense desire to lay down some shag carpeting, but that's really about it.