Some tips on flying

Recently I've been flying a lot. Now, I'm not a big fan of the whole experience, so I like to have a few drinks when I do. I hate that they charge you for alcoholic beverages in coach on domestic flights. You know you've gotten bad when the cost of flying in first, where drinks are free, is actually more cost-effective than buying drinks in coach. I've actually gone to pay the flight attendant for my drink, and instead given her my credit card to "just keep the tab open."

Here's a little tip for folks who may not fly as often -- if you have to fly somewhere that requires a layover (something that has been happening more frequently because the airlines have no sense of geography and seem to think it makes sense to fly from New York to Atlanta by way of Alaska) don't take the connecting flight that leaves shortly after your first flight arrives. Oh it may seem perfect on paper, but when your first flight doesn't take off on time (it won't) and you have to run from terminal A to terminal double-Q (you will), arriving just in time for the door to be closed in your face, it won't seem so perfect.

Instead, do what I do: never take a connecting flight that leaves within four hours of your arrival. This should give you plenty of time to find your gate, as well as the nearest airport bar, since your buzz from the first flight will no doubt be gone but the time your connection actually leaves the gate.

Another sign you're working too hard

You hate the cold. Not because it's freezing outside but because you can't type on your blackberry while wearing gloves.

Odd jobs

I've come to believe that the guy who picks up dirty towels in the locker room of the gym is one of the strangest jobs. I only say that because they see a lot of unattractive naked people during the course of a day. It's quite the occupational hazard.

Seriously, think about it. It must be really strange to spend your whole day with naked people.

I'm sure that guy comes home at the end of the day and sees his wife or girlfriend, and the last thing he wants to do is see them without their clothes on.

"Oh, honey, please! Can't you just cover up! I get enough of that at work!"

Sometimes a picture says it all

New advertisement in the 59th & Lex subway station

A memory from my childhood

When you're the smallest of all your friends growing up, you don't have a see-saw to play with. You have a catapult.

She's a CBP

My buddies are amazingly accurate at identifying the kinds of girls I'm attracted to. They even have this term to describe the look -- "Kevin Cute" -- although, unannounced to me, a few months back they started calling them "CBPs" instead.

I finally noticed the change and asked what CBP stands for.

"Cute But Pyscho"

Maybe it's time to switch up the type of girls I date.

In the land of the giants

My friends who know me well are quite aware that I live my life by the five-five rule.

Basically, I like to be the tall one in the relationship, so I only date girls who are shorter than I am -- no one taller than 5'5".

However if a lady is particularly cute, I have been known to make the five-six exception to the five-five rule. A few years back, I met a particularly attractive lady and made the five-eight exception to the five-six exception to the five-five rule.

And I'm sure that it's because I'm so damn insistent not to stand on my toes when I kiss someone, karma has recently decided that I should only attract girls who are 5'10" and up. It's like somehow I've begun dating in the land of the giants. Let me tell you, it's hard to feel like the dominant, alpha male when you have to stand on a chair to help your date put her coat on because she's 6'7" and likes to wear four-inch heels.

On the plus side, for the first time I have help to get things off of the highest shelves in my apartment. I actually see that as the purpose of bringing recent dates back to my place -- it has nothing to do with trying to get lucky, it's about trying to reach a glass, change a light bulb or clean the tops of the windows.

When I explained my predicament to my 5' tall mother, she didn't see it as a problem at all. She was actually thrilled. Her response was "marry her! Think about the wonders she can do for our gene pool."

And people wonder why guys are commitment phobic.

Bumping into ex's

I've mentioned before that none of my ex-girlfriends live in New York, so you can imagine my surprise when just the other day I happened to be walking down the street and bumped into an ex I hadn't seen in years.

Most of my ex's are good people who I genuinely like and have kept cordial relationships with. I'm not saying that I talk to them often -- I do believe in moving on -- but we still have the prerequisite annual call/text/e-mail/IM conversation. Needless to say, stopping and saying hi wasn't ungodly absurd or awkward.

One thing I should mention -- while I genuinely like my ex's as people, and while I wish them the absolute best in life, there is something wonderful about seeing an ex with her current boyfriend and having the realization that:

1. You look much better than her current boyfriend
2. You're more successful than her current boyfriend
3. You are FAR more charismatic than her current boyfriend

While it may seem shallow, it's an awesome feeling -- one that is only topped when you notice that your ex is keenly aware of all three as well.

Now, karma must have been shining down on me that day, because when I bumped into my ex I happened to be with my gorgeous, 5'11", barely 120 pound, Scandinavian lady-friend who was wearing clothes 2 sizes too small, despite the cold weather, and didn't bat an eye when I placed my arm around her during the conversation.

In the words of Ferris Bueller, it was so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend it.

I love the 80's

I'm a firm believer that for his cover of Extreme's "More Than Words," Frankie J should be charged with crimes against humanity and shot.

It's a date

Why is it that the only people who use the phrase "it's a date" after you make plans are the people with whom you have an ambiguous relationship to begin with?

Seriously -- it's never the girl who's number you got, then called a few days later to go out for dinner and a movie. No. It's always that person you have that tension with, or whom you may have drunkenly kissed, but if so it was only once and awhile ago -- or maybe twice -- if you can figure out what happened during that party when someone thought shots would be a good idea, so you're really not sure.

Regardless, ladies, I've said it before and I'll say it again, we guys are way too simple to decode whether you're using a figure of speech or if you expect us to pick up the drinks.

A reminder -- an FYI, if you will

When two people meet and immediately feel that spark -- that instant connection -- it's called "love at first sight."

When only one person feels it, it's called "stalking"

Kev's guide to understanding guys (vol VIII)

Taken out by snipers (phrase) - What happens to a guy in a bar when he is on his way in to play wingman for his buddy, but instead is diverted due to attractive women.

Example:
Male buddy: I thought you were going to come in and distract the friend of that girl I was talking to -- what happened?
Kev: I was on my way in and was picked off by three snipers
Male buddy: The three English girls at the table behind us?
Kev: Uh-huh.

Kev's guide to understanding guys (vol VII)

'Old School' actor Cranshaw dies at 86.

You're my boy, Blue!