Translating Kevin-ese

Friends,

When we're out together, and you hear me say, "hell yea! Let's get this party started!" please translate that to mean, "no thank you. Shots of Jack Daniels on a Tuesday night are not a good idea. I have work tomorrow. I'll kindly pass."

Please make the jack-hammering in my brain stop,
Kevin

Yet another sign I'm in my guy phase

I've noticed yet another sign that I'm still in my guy phase. I make it to the gym on Saturday mornings before 10AM, but when I'm on the treadmill, I watch cartoons.

Oh, and 4 out of 5 times I'm hungover.

Inverted Lent

Some of my friends have begun giving thing up for Lent. Personally, I've always kind of liked the idea, it's like a mini-New Years resolution. So, being that I'm not Catholic, I'm introducing Inverted Lent (in a Festivus-esq fashion).

What's Inverted Lent? Well, instead of giving something up, I'm adding something. That's right, I'm going to start doing something from now until Easter. Something that is difficult to do, as a challenge to myself.

I'm going to start flossing.

Yes, for my first Inverted Lent I'm going to start flossing. Sound easy? It's not. I hate flossing. I don't do it, I lie to my dentist about it (although I think he's starting to catch on...), I even boast about it when I don't have any cavities. But bottom line: I don't floss.

In the words of Mitch Hedberg, "people who smoke cigarettes, they say 'You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking.' Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. 'You look gittery.' 'Yeah, I'm about to floss.'"

So I'm going to start flossing. Today. Until Easter. And if I seem a little on edge for the next few weeks, or my gums start bleeding, you'll know why.

Last night's episode of The Office

I don't usually comment on television, but last night's episode of The Office was particularlly difficult to watch. Not because of Michael's actions at the wedding, but because I refuse to believe that any woman has ever left a party with a guy because he got the band to play Jewel.

The Weather Channel can kiss my @$$

I've had it with the Weather Channel -- I think they're starting to invent new conditions. When I checked the forecast for today, it said "wintery mix." Wintery mix?!? What the f*$% is that?!? I don't remember learning about wintery mix in Earth Science. I think they made it up.

Wintery mix sounds more like a type of frosted-Chex snack than it does an actual meteorological condition. I'm pretty sure I served it at a party once. and included M&Ms and yogurt covered pretzels

What pisses me off more than new, invented weather conditions is when they "predict" (and I use that term lightly) a 50% chance of rain. Thanks guys, I can flip a coin as well. When you tell me that my guess on the weather is as good as yours, then you're no longer providing me with a valuable service.

If the Weather Channel ever predicts a 50% chance of wintery mix, I may have to go down there and slap somebody.

Super Bowl quotes to take out of context

Below are my favorite quotes from CBS' broadcast of Super Bowl XLI to take out of context. Each is a direct quote from this evening's broadcast.

• “You’ve got to get down the field to stop the runs”
• “He told us that his tight end is the X-factor”
• “He gave all 52 yards to the Colts”
• “They come out, spreading it out a little”
• “At this point, the pig skin is probably a little slick”
• “Benson’s first handle results in a fumble”
• “His helmet comes in contact with a ball… he’s probably not used to that”
• “Tillman’s just slamming him down”
• "He was injured in the pile"
• "It hangs a little bit..."
• "As he goes down, we have to watch the field"

And my personal favorite:

• "He's really just been driving it in there all night"

Ladies beware

I've decided that if I ever get married, the future Mrs Kev has to be willing to do this at our wedding. Its nonnegotiable - a potential deal breaker.

New martial art

I've decided that I'm developing a new martial art to be used after several drinks. I'm calling it Drunken Skunk, Weaving Fool.

I'm not sure about all the moves yet, but it's going to consist of a lot of grabbing motions, and defensive moves for when your vision is so blurred you think you're fighting multiple people. It may also have a few moves that look like the Crane kick from Karate Kid, but are really just to help you keep your balance.