Cue "The More You Know" music

A cup of soup, a bottle of wine and two sleeping pills does not constitute a three-course meal, despite what the model you're seeing says.

Maybe dating an anorexic isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I don't see myself getting out of bed today

Last night was my sister's 21st birthday. I threw her a pub-crawl.

Five bars. Six hours.

Today I'm remembering that I'm not 21 any more.

I hurt.

Let's not make any loud noises today.

Kev's guide to understanding guys (vol IX)

The relationship hail Mary (phrase) - The maneuver you (or someone you've been seeing) pull as a last-ditch effort to avoid being dumped -- usually doing something overly sweet or something you/they would never agree to do under normal circumstances.

Example:
Male buddy: Last night Joani just showed up at my door with a copy of Top Gun, a bowl of chips and then cooked me dinner.
Kev: Think she knows you're going to break it off with her?
Male buddy: I think she has some idea -- she threw the relationship hail Mary.
Kev: It work?
Male buddy: Nah, I'm still going to end things next week.

Kev's guide to understanding guys (vol VIII)

This may be a new low

Ever go out for drinks and find random black and blue marks on your body the next day?

Ever go out for drinks and find random black and blue marks and rug-burn on your body three days later?

Valentine's Day candy

While snacking on some Valentine's Day candy today, I got a message heart that said, "be good." Why don't they just come out with it and say, "don't cheat?"

I think these things have changed a bit since I was a kid. I don't ever remember giving a message heart to a girl (carefully chosen of course for both message and color) that said "fax me," "IM me" or my favorite, "beep me." When a coworker gave me a "beep me" message heart today, I thought she was just trying to tell me something but the actual message was censored. Imagine my surprise when I found myself talking to the folks in HR.

Also, what does it mean when your buddy sends you a bag of message hearts that all say, "my girl?" I think we need to redefine our boundaries.

Vice president shoots man in hunting accident

Nah, too easy.

Elton John marathon or light music station?

Did the FCC recently pass a law I don't know about that requires any radio station calling itself "light music" to play a quota of Elton John songs?

Mavrick, you can be my wingman anyday

So I've gotten a few questions asking me, "Kev, what's a wingman." I know, I was just as suprised as you are. Well, as a refresher, I think the folks at Coors Light demonstrate it really well in this commercial:

Translating woman-ese for the guys

She says, "always a bridesmaid, never a bride."

For 20-somethings guys to understand, please use the following:

"Always the wingman, never the random hookup."

The joys of dental work

I went to the dentist yesterday -- I think I've mentioned before that I'm not a fan. The dentist is the only person who's version of "cleaning" involves making you bleed.

To make matters worse, I think the hygienist who did my cleaning got her degree from the Abu Ghraib school of dentistry. By the time she was done, she had drawn enough blood and caused enough pain that I was willing to give up all kinds of state secrets to make her stop.

Another part of why I hate going to the dentist because he constantly makes me lie to him. He knows I don't floss, but when he gives me that guilty look, and asks, of course I'm going to say I do.

One of THOSE mornings

Ever have one of those mornings where you stumble out of bed, wearing the clothing you wore the night before, feeling a bit hung-over? You look back at mess of sheets and realize you're not not completely sure who the person is still lying inside it.

You make your way out, praying you find some coffee, to find the living room is a mess of empty and half-empty bottles of wine, beer and hard liquor. There are cigarette butts all over the coffee table -- and you don't even smoke.

Some dude, who you think is called Tim or Jim or maybe Steve, is alseep, passed out or possibly dead, in his boxers on the couch. Someone decided that the carpet was a much better place to puke than the trash can 5 feet away, or possibly just sped up the process up by pooring a complete bottle of Jagermeister directly onto the floor.

It's around the time you begin thinking about what a bitch the clean-up process is going to be, that you finally realize that you don't actually live there.

That's how I roll

I'm a very safe driver. I don't cut anyone off, I always yield the right of way, and I never flash my brights when I feel the person in front of me is going too slow.

Why? I learned to drive in Texas.

It has nothing to do with Southern manners -- it’s because Texas is the only state where you can legally carry and conceal guns. I’m not concerned the guy in the pick-up truck in front of me could have a gun, I'm concerned because I know I don’t have one.

License to drive

I renewed my driver's license today, and like most folks who realize they're going to be carrying this photo of themselves for the next 6-12 years, I spent a lot of time preparing.

I don't mean I brushed my hair, shaved and picked out a flattering shirt. Instead I went on a bender last night, stayed out until dawn with friends and hit every bar in a 10 mile radius.

When I rolled into the DMV at 7:00 am, just as my night was ending, my eyes were bloodshot, I had enough of a five o'clock shadow to pass off as a Billy-goat, and it looked like my hair was trying to flee my head in 12 different directions. I figure, if I'm going to be pulled over, that's most likely the condition I'm going to be in, so it's in everyone's best interest that I look like the photo on my license.

You look beautiful in that dress and the sequins really bring out your eyes

The other day my friend Audrey conned-- er, convinced me into going wedding dress shopping with her. Guys, if you are ever asked to go and provide "the male perspective" for one of your female friends, do it. Don't hesitate. In fact, know any women getting married at? Call them right now and volunteer your services.

Yes, I know that a day dress shopping sounds like Dante's 12th circle of hell, and that to us guys all wedding dresses look the same, but this is worth it. Why? Brides-to-be bring with them a gaggle of bridesmaids who all have wedding fever, which is enough incentive to learn to tell dresses apart. It's like Wedding Crashers with none of the competition. In fact, the guy running the shop gave me a huge wink as I walked into the shop -- I thought it was because I was now “in the know” on this secret, but when he tried to slip me his number on the way out, I realized otherwise.

Which leads me to one note for the guys -- you'll pretty much need to spend the first 10-15 minutes publicly announcing that you aren't gay for the women to look at you in the first place. But drop a few lines about how much "your ex would have loved a dress like that" or how your ex's taste "was way too gaudy to appreciate that nice, simple Vera Wang" and suddenly you'll be providing the male opinion to every other bride-to-be in the shop while her bridesmaids praise you on your views, flirtatiously muss up your hair and eat your opinions up like you're the last eligible bachelor in all of New York City.

I even have a new routine with Audrey. I'm willing to head out dress shopping with her on a whim with just a moment's notice, and in exchange she spends the first few minutes talking loudly about how I just keep dating all the wrong women, and how "a nice guy" like me, "just needs to find the right girl."