Silverman's ways to get dumped #131

Take the girl you're seeing to Tiffany's (you'll notice her face light up like a Christmas tree). Walk up to the most expensive looking display case they have and ask the associate where you can find the discount rack.

Want to be desired by every woman in town? Get a girlfriend

Why is it that the moment we guys get into a relationship, every woman wants to date us? Seriously. All guys have experienced this. The moment we're off the market, women flock to us. It's like somehow they know. Women eye you in the street. Random waitresses scribble their numbers on the back of receipts. Girls who would otherwise never give you the time of day won't leave you alone.

I want to bottle whatever this is and sell it on the market to single men. It'll be a new cologne that makes it smell like you have a girlfriend. I'll call it "Unavailable."

I can see the commercial now:

Scene: A stunningly beautiful woman talking to an average guy in a bar.

Woman: "oh, but you must have a girlfriend..."
Guy: "Well, not really..." (winks at the camera)
Voice-over: "New Unavailable... by Calvin Kline."

Netflix as a dating tool?

First Friendster, then MySpace, now... Netflix as a dating tool?

Is it a bad sign when you decide someone is no longer worth dating because they only gave your favorite movie two-stars on Netflix?

I don't know if Netflix was ever meant as a dating tool, but it sure is useful. For instance, let's hypothetically say you start seeing someone, and you get along, but you don't really discuss movies. Then, somehow she mentions that she subscribes to Netflix, so you add her to your friends list. One day, you're procrastinating (hypothetically) and looking at movies she rated and see that she gave SEVERAL of your favorite films one and two star ratings. One and two stars! Movies like The Goonies, Napoleon Dynamite and even Anchorman (hypothetically)! It provides you with great insight into how the relationship is going to work. If I were in that hypothetical situation, I'd hypothetically end things before they hypothetically went too far. Hypothetically.

Its like Rob says in High Fidelity: "“...what really matters is what you like, not what you are like... these things matter, and it's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently, or your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party."

Signs of growing older

Yet another sign I'm getting older: I threw a bachelor party last night that started at Hooters, and I'm eager to go back. Not because of the girls (I was actually older than our waitress which was kinda scary) but because they had the best wings I've had in ages.

Glossary of terms

Glossary to understanding guy-lingo
Having trouble understanding something a male said but don't speak guy-ese? No problem. See Kev's handy guide below. Examples and expanded definitions available by following the links in each term.

Actual height (n) - How tall a guy or girl actually is. A well guarded secret shared only with one's doctor.

Bail-out message (n) - Pre-written text message you keep in your phone to send in the event you need a friend to call you with an "emergency" you need to immediately leave to handle

CBP (n) - Term for girls who are "cute but pyscho"

Dating sweet spot (noun) - Period between February 10th and February 28th when, because of Valentine's Day, it is easiest for guys to meet and pick-up single women

Dumped... by disappearance (phrase) - The science -- dare I say art -- of stopping seeing someone by vanishing

F-Bomb (n) - Telling someone that they are a friend, usually so they don't think you are more than that

First date in a box (phrase) - Term for a pre-canned first date. All men who have been on more than one first date have one of these.

Fix-up ambush (n) - Being invited out under the guise of hanging out with friends, a small dinner party, or the like when actually an elaborate scheme for to fix you up with someone

Full boat (n) - descriptive term to mean your dating rotation is completely filled (sometimes described as a "“full ship"”). It can either be full due to multi-tasking or extended focus on a single female (sometimes referred to by women as "“a relationship"”).

General Baggage Assessment or GBA (n) - Tool for assessing how much baggage a person has before entering a relationship with them

Going Nuclear (term) - The dating kiss of death - telling a guy that he's "like a brother" to you so he finally understands that you two aren't dating

Great Stuff Swap (noun) - That oh-so-fun event you hold sometime after you break-up when you agree to exchange all the stuff left at each other's places

Groucho Marx syndrome (phrase) - The lack of desire to date anyone who would actually want to date you

Guy phase (n) - The step between "boy" and "man" on the male development chart, often right after college through the mid-twenties

Hail Mary Load (n) - An emergency, last minute, desperation load of laundry - often just the bare essentials

Heels height (n) - How tall a girl is when she's wearing heels - usually an additional 2-4 inches taller than her actual height

"I'll cook" (phrase) - Guy-ese for "come to my house and have sex with me"

"It's a date" (phrase) - I have no idea what this means, but it's something girls say

"I'm just not looking to get into a relationship right now" (phrase) - Actually means "I'm just not looking to get into a relationship with you right now"

Kevin's law (n) - Proposed consumer protection law that would require clothing companies to put a tag on men's clothing identifying anything they make that may look black, but is actually Navy Blue

Listed height (n) - The height we can get away with saying (this is usually the stretch you have printed on your drivers license)

Long distance booty call (LDBC) (n) - The act of traveling out of town/overseas for a booty call. If you live in New York City, add any booty call that involves taking the F train.

Men's room quagmire (n) - The classic dilemma that men face when attempting to use a bathroom and almost all urinals are occupied

Post-emptive strike (phrase) -– An act of retribution against someone for preemptively breaking up with you

Pre-booty call (verb) - The act of pre-arranging a booty call. Often by calling or texting much earlier in evening to see "if [someone] might be around 'later' that evening"

Relationship hail Mary (phrase) - The maneuver you (or someone you've been seeing) pull as a last-ditch effort to avoid being dumped

Relationship microwave (noun) - Something you do (ok, something mostly women do) with the intent of speeding up a relationship phase, such as introducing nicknames, going away for the weekend or suddenly introducing you to friends or family, seemingly out of the blue

Relationship placebo (phrase) - Something guys pass on to the people they're seeing to make them think they're getting into a relationship without giving them the actual, meaningful signs. The person thinks they're getting the medicine when you realize you're only giving them a sugar pill.

Rescue message (n) - See "bail out message"

Rule of five (n) - Dropping five F-Bombs ("it's so nice to have a friend" "it's it great to have friends you can (blah blah blah) with..." etc...) in a concentrated period to heavily reinforce that you aren't more than that

Scheduled for termination (phrase) - A phrase to convey that you've already decided to stop seeing somebody, but haven't "lowered the axe" yet

Seasonal Affect Disorder (n) - Kev's term for the recurringccurring crushes guys get on a few select girls

Semi-blind date (phrase) - A date where you've never met in person before, but you've seen the person's picture, or friendster/myspace page so you have a somewhat better idea of who they are before you go out

Sort-of an ex (title) - Description for someone you dated for an extended period of time, but never considered a "girlfriend" or "boyfriend"

Summer break (n) - Term for the large number of breakups that occur in the summer

Taken out by snipers (phrase) - What happens to a guy in a bar when he is on his way in to play wingman for his buddy, but instead is diverted due to attractive women

Thirding (v) - Method of distancing yourself from someone you're seeing by only returning about one of every three calls/messages they leave you

Trading Up (v) - – to stop dating/seeing one person in order to start seeing someone else, perceived as much better/an upgrade

Twinkie pack (n) - Phrase for people in a relationship who can't make plans or go anywhere without their significant other

Two Week Scramble (v) - The period just before New Years where 90% of the single guys I know go on a dating rampage to find and secure a midnight kiss

Type 2 (or accidental) Drunk Dialing (v) - When you go to drunk dial a friend or ex and, due to hitting the wrong speed-dial or misreading the phonebook, you call or text the wrong person

Work of shame (phrase) - when you wear the same set of clothes to work two days in a row because you went out the night before, and didn't make it home

It's all about perspective

Changing your cell phone ring to play Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin'" every time someone calls seems like a good idea when it's 3 AM and you're at a bar with your buddies.

It looses a little appeal the next day when you've forgotten to turn your ringer off and someone calls while you're in the middle of a client meeting.

Kev's guide to understanding guys (vol XII)

Relationship microwave (noun) - Something you do (ok, something mostly women do) with the intent of speeding up a relationship phase, such as introducing nicknames, going away for the weekend or suddenly introducing you to friends or family, seemingly out of the blue.

It's the equivalent of putting something in the microwave for five minutes instead of in the convection oven for 30.

Kev's guide to understanding guys (vol XI)

Vacation strategy

Going out of town with someone you're seeing? Get a hotel room with two double beds instead of a king. Oh sure, sleeping in a king sized bed is great -- but with two doubles you can use one for sleep, the other for fun, and then no one has to sleep in the wet spot.

You're welcome.